Reflection

I have found myself in an unenviable position, as of late. I wonder how many of you, my readers, my friends, loved ones, have found themselves in a similar situation. I figure all of us at some point are another. Essentially, I've been in an ongoing existential crisis for the past year and a half. It's taken some twists in turns, some broke my heart, some were just heartbreaking, most however, were just interesting. If by interesting I had said "will be funny 10 years from now," I would have gotten the point across better.

As I was saying...unenviable. It took me until I was 21 to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. 23 to start practicing for it. This does beg the question how long until I'm actually doing it...but shut up, nobody asked you.

Onward! I've known who I wanted to be my entire life. That is to say I know who the man in the mirror wants to be, not that I always know who he is. I'm sure everyone does things, says things, feels things, that they have no understanding of, or never intended, but I've always known, and still believe, that in the end, or long-run, or whatever the easiest way of getting across the point of " eventual white picket fence with wife" is, well...that...will happen. It's a matter of time, patience and practice. And as few of the 3 D's as possible. (I'll get into those tomorrow. Someone remind me...)

So, like I was saying (albeit it in an incredibly, borderline incorrigibly, long-winded and tangential way...) that I now, after years of searching, know both what I want to do, and who I want to be. I just don't know where I belong. Or who I belong with.

That is the core of my problem. Has been since college ended. It's what drives me to go back, to continue searching. I have no idea, not even the slightest inkling of a light bulb, where I should be, or when I should be there.

I'll give you a kernel of truth, an insight to my soul as it were. A year ago, I was finally recovering from my surgery. I felt better. I could walk, I was told in a month I would be exercising and playing basketball again, I had a job waiting for me, and all my friends were around me, supportive and caring as always. Everything was on the up and up...and I woke up one morning and didn't know where I was anymore. What had happened. I had to ask myself when did this happen? It wasn't the famous "Where did my life go wrong?" question. No, it was more of a "where did I lose myself?"

I never had a plan, some deep understanding of the next step or Life's secret inner workings. At best I knew (know) how to finagle free stuff from barristers and make friends with passing strangers. But that morning scared me. My entire life, I've woken up knowing who I was. That this was, for lack of a better word, right. And one day it just...wasn't. Not anymore.

I've been carrying this sense of not-belonging around with me for a year now. Sometimes I get passionate about an idea and follow it through. I still draw my comics. I still update this blog. I still write down jokes in journals and think about getting on a stage and telling them. Maybe singing. Writing a movie...but now, the mystical "next step" isn't a figurative thing. It isn't a "what to do" or "how to do it." It is a more literal "where should my next step fall?"

I don't want this to sound negative or self-deprecating. I love my life and the people in it. I just know that it's not quite the one I want, or maybe need. Not right now.

In the end I think I'll just give myself the same advice I'd give to you if you asked me. Keep moving, keep taking steps, and something will fall into place. And if it doesn't, well...put it there. Make it happen. Will it into place. The line "the future is ours for the taking" (Or yours, or mine...depending on where you heard it...) is not an entirely inaccurate one.

Wanted to share. Because that's the point of blogs. Or so I'm told. Maybe I should start doing a column. That way those of you who occasionally check it for video game comments or sports comments don't run into commentaries on my soul.

-D