The Ides of March (And Substituting)

Last week I substituted for an English teacher whose class was doing Shakespeare's Julius Ceasar.

For $9.95 you can get this "Julius Ceasar" wig and also look like the great Ceasar himself, re-imagined as a lesbian.

I was so excited! This was my first chance to really get into the stuff I love about teaching English. Writing, reading, plays! Yes! The kids were going to love this!

They didn't.

Not even a little bit.

I had to pick students to read in each class. One student volunteered that she was by far the best reader in the class. Everyone else agreed. I made her Brutus, chose a Cassius and a Marcus Antony (We were in Act II) and I narrated.

Brutus, as you may have guessed, has quite a few large verses in this section of the play. And while I wouldn't say the student lied to me. I would say that she is not the best reader of a play. It was Shakespeare as read by Ben Stein.

Yeah, you thought you were getting a picture of Ben Stein or maybe an irritated eye? Balls to that.

It was horrible. And to think, this was my little social activist in the class, she was all about saving Uganda and finding Kony and blanket days, and she couldn't muster up any emotion when it came to the death of a friend, hero and tyrant.

About twenty minutes into our (incredibly boring) reading, I asked the class what had happened so far in this scene.

They all just looked back at me blankly. Finally one of them said "Marc Antony is trying to get Ceasar's body for a funeral thing."

I was impressed. I was about to ask her why that was important. Before I could open my mouth another student interrupted, "Wait. Ceasar's dead?"

Were I a dragon, this is the face I would make.

"Yes, sir. He died on the second page of the reading."

"But no one mentioned that!"

"I'm pretty sure I did."

"When?"

"When I read the line, 'they all stab Ceasar.'"

"Oh."

So I asked again. "Alright, Class. What is happening right now?"

Blank looks. It was time for a break down.

"OK. So Ceasar was kind of being a jerk. He had taken over Rome, right? He was this tyrant, he had taken the title 'Dictator for Life, yo.' He was the Ancestor of the first OG (Original Gangster for all my non-80's kids.) So Brutus, who really really loved Roman society, Rome and the Roman Republic, was convinced into a plot to murder him. This could be argued to be a great crime, but more than that it, was one of the World's greatest betrayals, as Ceasar had given Brutus nothing but chances, leniency and friendship over the years. (That link is about Brutus, he stirred up some anti-Ceasar shit before.) After they kill him, they need to immediately explain it to the Roman people, and their rivals, like Marc Antony."

"So, Marc Antony was Ceasar's friend? Why did he come back and grovel then? Shake hands?"

"Grovel, good word. And I would say, because he didn't want to die. If your friend, your best friend, was murdered and the ten dudes with knives asked you, 'hey, you cool with this?' Would you say 'no' or 'yeah, guys, totally.'?"

"Marc Antony was smart. He was humble to their faces but when they left, it was all 'Cry Havoc' and dogs and stuff. It was about to be on. As they said in the lingo of my youth."

And I was all "HAVOOOOOOOOOOC!" and then I let them loose.

"Then he gives this really great speech about friends and Romans right?"

"Well, he opens up a speech that way."

"What's the speech about?" Asked one of the students.

"Dude. You read the Marc Antony part out loud."

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry."

Roman statue facepalm.