Choosing what to write is always a difficult enterprise for me. I normally sit in front of my laptop for about an hour before I even touch the keyboard. (Of course, strictly speaking this is untrue. Normally I read through a few comics and about five Dave Barry columns before my laptop, presumably, makes an appearance, and then I'm most definitely using the keyboard. But it's for facebook and webcomics. The internet, when it decides to actually work, is a very determined enabler of procrastination. Had humanity gotten on the ball and invented it in previous centuries, we would never be...I'm losing my train of thought.) Normally I wait for an idea to hit me, or in some cases sneak up behind me and hit me full on in the face with a wet towel, but today I decided to bullet my ideas out. (For the sake of blogspot's worthless choices in formatting we'll go with the "numbering" system:)
1) My internet failing. Or was it my laptop's internet card failing? For the sake of this article, we'll call it Windows 7 failing. It always takes me twenty or so minutes to get the wireless to connect, let's not even get into how long it actually takes to get it to stay connected. (2 minutes, that's actually the easy part.)
2) Next up? Water. As some as you may know, the economy, yeah, not so good. Before, I was a big fan of things like coffee, and beer. However, the past few months have seen me become a proponent of the sweet nectar of life that is H20. However, in the eyes of the many bartenders and cafe employees that I frequently run into, (Or just pretty much walk up to their counter in a very standard way.) I'm basically a big ball of jerkface. Last night I was cut off, very vocally, by a ridiculously cute waitress whom I'd love to take to dinner sometime (In a few months, when I can afford it. Leave off it already.) due to my continued consumption of postively ridiculous amounts of water. Today at the cafe, as everyone else is picking up their handmade frappaccinos (I'm going to loosely assume I misspelled that.) and cappuccinos, cookies and scones, I'm the guy who has to respond to the shout of "Large water, got a large water here." Look everyone! It's the cheap dude. Why can't I just like water, stop staring at me. Jeeze.
3) I didn't actually have a three when I started this article. But in stormed Windows 7 to rescue me from my depressingly even idea count. Windows updates. Now I think I may have allowed myself this gripe before, but as I have now encountered it twice in the past 12 hours, both in situations I would rather have...well, not, I feel that I'm justified to bring it up again. What the Hell Windows? You can't ask before you restart my computer for no apparent reason? I realize that last night it shutting down right before I was able to whoop for joy with my imminent victory over a rival StarCraft player is a complaint that many of you won't, and probably shouldn't, be able to sympathize with. But today, as I was approaching my 5th consecutive minute of writing (As I outlined earlier, a big step for me.) it decided that, telling me that a shut down was imminent, or better yet, asking me if that was even okay in the first place, was an exercise in futility, why not shut it down now, when it knows I'll be comfortable with it. Writing be damned.
As I always do about this time, I turned my eye(s?) to MSN news. You know, to keep up the illusion that I'm an informed writer who likes to keep his despairingly small audience in the dark on his complete lack of relevant knowledge, to see, as they've been known to say, what I could see.
Today's biggest jump out article was one that all of us college students (or previous college students who haven't quite gotten out of the lifestyle yet, ahem.) can relate too. Only not too many of us have found ourselves out of the running for 10 million dollars. Well, almost out of the running. The story goes as follows: Jim Furyk, a name so positively household I don't even need to introduce him, (He's a professional golfer. I know right? I always thought pro golf only consisted of the names "Woods" and "NicKlaus," although, to be fair, I had to google how to spell "NicKlaus." And I still misspelled it twice.) overslept today. Or yesterday. On a day that he was intended to play professional golf, he overslept. By 5 minutes. Talk about a kick in the gonads. When I overslept by 5 minutes at worst I had to withstand a berating from my mother. This guy oversleeps to the tune of a "good tooth brushing" and loses out, or severely diminishes, his chance at the 10 million dollars in prize money the PGA offers for this particular series of events. That's a pretty big downer, in the scheme of things.
And to sum this article up, suck it Northerners. The past few weeks have seen, believe it or not, an increase in alligator activity in northern cities like Manhattan and Chicago. First off, they were collared. Secondly, they were all under three feet. (Last night I found a six footer under my bed. I just laughed and said to myself "Oh you. You almost got me.") Why is this making the news? In college nearly all the people who had (intelligently in my opinion) migrated to the warm comfort of Florida complained about things like moose. "Dude, I was heading out for school, and as I walk outside, there's a moose in my yard! Moose are huge man!" Screw you. Okay. Screw you. A deer with horns is on your front lawn and you complain? Unless it has an aviator goggle wearing beaver for a companion, and the two of them are up to antics that literally make your face red and steam come out of your ears, I don't want to hear about it. Welcome to Florida, punk. We have dinosaurs. Dinosaurs. And they like to sunbathe. And frankly, they don't care that it's your lawn, or school, or road. They were here first, by a count of about 50,000 years. So you can just go around them. (Or in certain months hunt them, of course, the rest of the year they own Lake Jessop, so back up off their turf.)
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