I had a really special post planned for this week guys.
You see, I'm like every pet owner, that is to say, I think my pets are the best and that they should be relevant in other peoples lives.
My dogs do a lot of funny things. The small one can't handle the wind so she turns tight circles and cries every time it gusts. The bigger one doesn't chew his food and apparently is not subject to the general laws of nature...he poops more than he eats, which if it weren't so gross, would be fascinating.
The larger one has spent the past two Christmases at war on a specific decoration or general thing. The first year I was with my wife he ate ALL of the fake cranberries. All of them. He would sneak down at night to get at them. Then he would poop bleached fake cranberries the next day. Like you and I would with corn. It was hilarious, and a little sad. I'll never forget his face.
The next year he ate the vast majority of the tags we had placed on presents. It took us awhile to figure out whose gift was who, but it we tried to re-tag said gift, the new tag would also find it's way into his gullet. He was a determined young dog, he wasn't going to let the Man keep him down.
This Christmas he began by consistently eyeing the lining we have on our TV stand. He places his entire snout in our Christmas tree. He nuzzles with our Santa Clause and paws at the bells on the throw pillows. And does nothing. Nothing with any of it. A year of build up, a blog in the works and he's grown up and isn't fun anymore.
I should be happy that my stuff isn't getting chewed up and thrown out. In a way I think we got used to it. It was such an easy way to get rid of the old and make room for the new. A guilt-free way. We secretly enjoyed buying new decorations and having stories to tell.
Oh well, new decorations can wait for a new house.
Or a new puppy.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Some Thoughts and a Holiday Well Wish
Friends, Floridians, Countrymen, lend me your ears...or don't! I won't be posting much this week because...Holidays!
We live in trying times. Issues are thrust upon us as a Nation that we have never had to handle before. The internet and social connections due to the internet have allowed us to branch out in our understanding of relationships. In so doing we have become the an inaccurately over-informed people. We have nearly infinite information out our fingertips, but rather than searching for (and thinking about, and deciding if...) 'good' information from valid sources, we have decided, as a culture, to take our Facebook newsfeed as law.
I feel deeply troubled by the burgeoning race-war that seems to have so very little to do with race and so much more to do with accountability, training and cultural understanding. Ferguson has shown us that there is more than just a single issue hurting us at home. While the current craziness is being brandished as a riot against police brutality, we all know that that simply isn't true. While ignorance is more common than I'd hope, no one is stupid enough to think that rioting against police will actually lower police brutality. Bullets for peace, condoms for children, etc. It's one of those things that has an inverse reaction. The more violent our populace, the more combat ready our police. If a community values violence, toughness and anger, they will get police that can handle that, and are trained to handle that as best as possible. (A small example, ask any military or former military man who the best fighter they know is. It will be a Military Policeman. Because the question always becomes: who do you send to arrest someone? Answer: Someone whose bigger, tougher, and more likely to win a fight.)
I don't want to get into this debate again I simply want to say this: I love my friends, I love my family and I love my country. I very much hope that we get by this together, as opposed to being forced to live in a situation that no one desires. The Holidays are upon us and despite the corporate goals that we have being force-fed to us with a side of cranberry and a dash of holly...it really 'tis the Season. We should be able to celebrate our holidays, celebrate those we love, without fear for our own safety or the well-being of our neighbors.
America is a great place. It might not be the best place, but it's really, really great. We owe it to ourselves to keep it that way.
So I end with this: get involved, if you want, in the ongoing debates about Ferguson, but please, read up. Find the facts. And make sure the facts are relevant to the real world, i.e. come from a reputable news source. Not some asshole like me who happens to operate a blog that sounds trustworthy.
But more importantly, enjoy your life. Take responsibility for yourself and your family, but have some fun. Don't drive drunk, but enjoy a drink!
Happy Thanksgiving. I love you all!
We live in trying times. Issues are thrust upon us as a Nation that we have never had to handle before. The internet and social connections due to the internet have allowed us to branch out in our understanding of relationships. In so doing we have become the an inaccurately over-informed people. We have nearly infinite information out our fingertips, but rather than searching for (and thinking about, and deciding if...) 'good' information from valid sources, we have decided, as a culture, to take our Facebook newsfeed as law.
I feel deeply troubled by the burgeoning race-war that seems to have so very little to do with race and so much more to do with accountability, training and cultural understanding. Ferguson has shown us that there is more than just a single issue hurting us at home. While the current craziness is being brandished as a riot against police brutality, we all know that that simply isn't true. While ignorance is more common than I'd hope, no one is stupid enough to think that rioting against police will actually lower police brutality. Bullets for peace, condoms for children, etc. It's one of those things that has an inverse reaction. The more violent our populace, the more combat ready our police. If a community values violence, toughness and anger, they will get police that can handle that, and are trained to handle that as best as possible. (A small example, ask any military or former military man who the best fighter they know is. It will be a Military Policeman. Because the question always becomes: who do you send to arrest someone? Answer: Someone whose bigger, tougher, and more likely to win a fight.)
I don't want to get into this debate again I simply want to say this: I love my friends, I love my family and I love my country. I very much hope that we get by this together, as opposed to being forced to live in a situation that no one desires. The Holidays are upon us and despite the corporate goals that we have being force-fed to us with a side of cranberry and a dash of holly...it really 'tis the Season. We should be able to celebrate our holidays, celebrate those we love, without fear for our own safety or the well-being of our neighbors.
America is a great place. It might not be the best place, but it's really, really great. We owe it to ourselves to keep it that way.
So I end with this: get involved, if you want, in the ongoing debates about Ferguson, but please, read up. Find the facts. And make sure the facts are relevant to the real world, i.e. come from a reputable news source. Not some asshole like me who happens to operate a blog that sounds trustworthy.
But more importantly, enjoy your life. Take responsibility for yourself and your family, but have some fun. Don't drive drunk, but enjoy a drink!
Happy Thanksgiving. I love you all!
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Are You Putting Your Back into Texting?
After years and years of research into how technology effects our sleep patterns, social patterns and financial patterns, Kenneth K. Hansraj, chief of spine surgery at New York Spine Surgery & Rehabilitation Medicine is talking to us about how cell phones effect our....backs. Well specifically our spines (Hence the Spine Surgery part of his title.)
According to the article, people who text and walk consistently rarely use what is known as "neutral spine" position. If you were to use neutral spine (on purpose) that would mean that you are looking down at your technology using your eyes, as opposed to turning or bending your neck.
According to the article, "People spend an average of two to four hours a day with their heads tilted over reading and texting on their smartphones and devices. Cumulatively this is 700 to 1,400 hours a year of excess stresses seen about the cervical spine." Using your technology this way has the effect of pushing down on your head with the equivalent of 27lbs (on average) of force.
That's pretty bad.
So keep texting and chatting folks, but remember to keep proper posture! Proper posture according to the article: Proper upper spine posture, he says, is generally defined as aligning the ears with the shoulders while keeping the shoulder blades pulled back.
We wouldn't want something measly and unimportant like our health and general well-being to effect our rad, social network-infused lives, but it's worth thinking about.
I wonder what other tiny ways jumps in technology such as cell phones and social media/ social networks have effected our/my life? Positive or negative! (I've read about some awesome health apps that do great things for diets and work outs.)
According to the article, people who text and walk consistently rarely use what is known as "neutral spine" position. If you were to use neutral spine (on purpose) that would mean that you are looking down at your technology using your eyes, as opposed to turning or bending your neck.
According to the article, "People spend an average of two to four hours a day with their heads tilted over reading and texting on their smartphones and devices. Cumulatively this is 700 to 1,400 hours a year of excess stresses seen about the cervical spine." Using your technology this way has the effect of pushing down on your head with the equivalent of 27lbs (on average) of force.
That's pretty bad.
So keep texting and chatting folks, but remember to keep proper posture! Proper posture according to the article: Proper upper spine posture, he says, is generally defined as aligning the ears with the shoulders while keeping the shoulder blades pulled back.
We wouldn't want something measly and unimportant like our health and general well-being to effect our rad, social network-infused lives, but it's worth thinking about.
I wonder what other tiny ways jumps in technology such as cell phones and social media/ social networks have effected our/my life? Positive or negative! (I've read about some awesome health apps that do great things for diets and work outs.)
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
The Debate: Should you let your kid play Contact Football
There's an interesting debate making its way around the country--mainly in and through Sports Media circles. It poses a simple question (that doesn't have a simple answer): Should you let your child play football? (Specifically, the contact variety.) I've struggled with this question for awhile. Some of you may know that as of the writing of this here blog, I do not have a child, but I do have five years of high school football coaching experience. I know a little bit about this.
Football is not a sport for the weak, and I mean this in the least mean-spirited way possible. Football is a lot like marriage, it chews up people who don't really want to be there and spits them out, and quick. So to some degree, worrying about whether your kid should play football or not is a problem that sorts itself out. Moving forward with this piece, let's assume that every child of every parent has the potential to go on and successfully play high school football. (If you're worried about your child in college football or professional football, you should stop worrying. Get them through high school first.)
Let's talk about the reasons why a kid shouldn't play contact football first. List form style!
The Downsides of letting your child play football (not necessarily in order of importance):
1.) Injuries.
This is, after all, the primary worry of every parent. "I'm worried my kid will get a concussion." As a coach, let me tell you what I'm not worried about. Concussions. You see, concussions are one of the easiest injuries to heal, they just happen to hold the title of "hardest to recognize injury, like ever." The problem with concussions is that, at the highest levels of the sport, players and coaches still don't consider them a big deal. They take a hard hit and can't see straight for ten minutes and have a splitting headache and instead of taking a week off (which is how you heal a concussion), they beg to strap up and get back on the field, and they do this over and over again throughout their career (which is why we have the long term issues we have in regards to concussions.) At the lower levels of play this is not the case. On the high school football field kids are tested by trainers who aren't paid six figure salaries and will block the child from going back onto the field if they feel the kid has a concussion. As parents, your responsibility is to check and make sure after each practice and each game that your son (of maybe daughter, depending on badasstitude) doesn't have a concussion. I recommend every single parent of a football playing child get certified for concussions just like every coach has to be, you can do so here.
I am very aware of the long term threats of concussions, but let me tell you this. I was a four year varsity starter and did a bit of time on the college field, and continued to play multiple sports up until my most recent round of knee injuries. All told, that's over 20 years in competitive sports, with at least five of them in contact football. I never suffered a concussion. I had a coach who taught me how to hit, and placed emphasis on protecting my head.
I am all too aware of other things that football does cause. I have lingering knee injuries, lingering should injuries, over eating issues that stem from my habit forming years in high school. Now, are these things curable? Sure. I could have knee surgery, I ice my shoulder weekly and I could always hire a nutritionist and really get disciplined on eating better, healthier and more portion controlled meals. But the habits I formed came directly from what I experienced in football. Being a huge ol' fat dude was super useful on the football field, and is a super big pain in the ol' caboose as an adult.
Lastly, the biggest threats to your child's enjoyment of their life through football are injuries to joints. Such as ACL and MCL tears, etc. But to pretend that this isn't happening frequently in basketball, soccer and baseball is ludicrous. These days people are able to do things that the human body simply wasn't designed to do. Injuries happen when boundaries are pushed, and athletes live to push those boundaries.
2.) Football is an extremely violent sport.
It rewards anger, meanness and violence. Now, this completely belittles all of the good things it brings about in children such as teamwork, companionship, discipline, etc. But we'll get to those in a bit.
I don't buy into all this crap about football bringing about violence in people who aren't naturally violent and such. The very public issues that the NFL has recently had with domestic abuse have aired this issue for all to see, without really putting it in any context for the average person. I haven't been in a fight since I was in 10th grade. I've had no need for any form of violence other than the occasional loud argument. Most of my fellow teammates live quiet, happy lives. As with most things, the few make the majority look bad.
3.) Youth football does not prepare your child for higher level play.
This is where I come into the argument in full swing. Is youth football worth the risk? I wasn't able to play football until high school due to my size. (I was simply too big for Pop Warner and CYFL didn't exist yet.)
So here's the reality of youth football. The coach's kid gets the position he wants. Probably quarterback or running back. Maybe linebacker too. The slower kids, the ones who haven't bloomed yet, they play line. The speedsters play everywhere and do everything.
You see...youth football ignores one major thing that high school football doesn't: puberty.
Chances are your 14 year old kid isn't going to look anything like he did at 11. It doesn't do much good to teach a kid about playing offensive line, for him to go and hit a growth spurt and all of a sudden be playing wide receiver because he's a 6 foot 5 beast with a 4.2 (second) forty yard dash and the ability to catch anything thrown at him. Wide Receiver and offensive Guard are such vastly different positions that they're barely the same sport. And yet, this happens all the time. As a freshman coach I was constantly bombarded with this line: "Coach, in Pop Warner/CYFL I played running back." Now you can insert any old position into the underlined portion but the problem with that oft-repeated line was this: that kid who played running back back in Pop Warner? Now he had a gut and hadn't showed up to summer work outs and hasn't had a meal that wasn't McDonald's in a month. That kid is going to be a lineman. Which may have led to some interesting conversations with Mom, but I always kept to my general rule, which was: if I can outrun you, you're a lineman.
The point: your kid is going to change, a lot, right in front of your eyes. Youth football teaches them to play the position they are suited for in their youth. Which most likely will not be the same position they are suited for on a high school football team. So if you're really all that worried about youth football, hold them out, let them decide if they want to play football when they're in high school and are at least going through puberty. You get teamwork from youth basketball and baseball. (To be fair, one of my worst injuries ever came from playing little league baseball.)
The Upsides of letting your kid play football (definitely not in order of importance):
1.) Injuries.
Weird right? But injuries toughen a kid up. I broke or jammed every finger on both hands in my playing career. And you know what? When I get hurt now...I don't freak out. I understand pain and I understand my limits. I can calmly assess the situation and figure out what needs to be done. I'm not the toughest guy on the block, but I can hold my own. When I came into high school football I was a puffball-fruitloop. I cried in history class because I got a B once. No lie. I mean, I didn't deserve the B, she was mad at me for talking. That's not right.
2.) Football is an extremely violent sport.
Hmmm. Again with this. The reality is that life isn't always that pretty, and having your child be able to hold their own with the roughest and toughest kids that high school can throw at them is not a bad thing.
3.) Teamwork.
Every job asks about it. Everyone who has played misses it. That feeling of team goes a long way. I still remember the vast majority of players I played with from every single season I played. Those people are important to you, they make a difference. Football is a great chance for your child to be a part of something bigger than himself. That opportunity is not afforded to everyone. It is earned, and it is worth it. Eleven guys with one purpose, one focus. Get the touchdown, deny the touchdown. It's beautiful, almost poetic.
4.) Discipline
Earlier I talked about how I had a lack of discipline with eating, due to, in part, football. This is largely true. But I also became extremely disciplined in working out, doing my homework (for some kids the only reason they even bother with class is because without it, they can't play their chosen sport) and showing up on time. With my coaches, if you missed the beginning of practice, you missed the beginning of the game, even if you were the Team Captain.
5.) It's fun.
It's so fun. I'm not the kind of person who sits around reliving the Glory Days, but if you put me in a room with even one of my high school football teammates and BOOM. We'll be...well, reliving the Glory Days. And our team wasn't even that good! Football is just that fun. There is nothing like it. You work so hard, day in and day out and you get rewarded by getting to go play against people you don't know and put everything on the line with your friends beside you. I'll say it again: eleven guys with one purpose, all working towards a common goal. It's an amazing feeling, one that I can truly say I miss.
So, should you hold your kid from football? Maybe. In the end, you're the parent and the decision falls to you. I can tell you this, if your kid wants to play, like really wants to play, and you stop him from doing so, you're doing your kid a disservice on a few different levels. But holding a child back from youth football is not going to hurt their high school football potential.
The best thing you can do is make an informed decision, talk to your kid about it, and if they decide to play, go get certified on how to recognize a concussion. Here's the link again: https://nfhslearn.com/courses.
Football is not a sport for the weak, and I mean this in the least mean-spirited way possible. Football is a lot like marriage, it chews up people who don't really want to be there and spits them out, and quick. So to some degree, worrying about whether your kid should play football or not is a problem that sorts itself out. Moving forward with this piece, let's assume that every child of every parent has the potential to go on and successfully play high school football. (If you're worried about your child in college football or professional football, you should stop worrying. Get them through high school first.)
Let's talk about the reasons why a kid shouldn't play contact football first. List form style!
The Downsides of letting your child play football (not necessarily in order of importance):
1.) Injuries.
This is, after all, the primary worry of every parent. "I'm worried my kid will get a concussion." As a coach, let me tell you what I'm not worried about. Concussions. You see, concussions are one of the easiest injuries to heal, they just happen to hold the title of "hardest to recognize injury, like ever." The problem with concussions is that, at the highest levels of the sport, players and coaches still don't consider them a big deal. They take a hard hit and can't see straight for ten minutes and have a splitting headache and instead of taking a week off (which is how you heal a concussion), they beg to strap up and get back on the field, and they do this over and over again throughout their career (which is why we have the long term issues we have in regards to concussions.) At the lower levels of play this is not the case. On the high school football field kids are tested by trainers who aren't paid six figure salaries and will block the child from going back onto the field if they feel the kid has a concussion. As parents, your responsibility is to check and make sure after each practice and each game that your son (of maybe daughter, depending on badasstitude) doesn't have a concussion. I recommend every single parent of a football playing child get certified for concussions just like every coach has to be, you can do so here.
I am very aware of the long term threats of concussions, but let me tell you this. I was a four year varsity starter and did a bit of time on the college field, and continued to play multiple sports up until my most recent round of knee injuries. All told, that's over 20 years in competitive sports, with at least five of them in contact football. I never suffered a concussion. I had a coach who taught me how to hit, and placed emphasis on protecting my head.
I am all too aware of other things that football does cause. I have lingering knee injuries, lingering should injuries, over eating issues that stem from my habit forming years in high school. Now, are these things curable? Sure. I could have knee surgery, I ice my shoulder weekly and I could always hire a nutritionist and really get disciplined on eating better, healthier and more portion controlled meals. But the habits I formed came directly from what I experienced in football. Being a huge ol' fat dude was super useful on the football field, and is a super big pain in the ol' caboose as an adult.
Lastly, the biggest threats to your child's enjoyment of their life through football are injuries to joints. Such as ACL and MCL tears, etc. But to pretend that this isn't happening frequently in basketball, soccer and baseball is ludicrous. These days people are able to do things that the human body simply wasn't designed to do. Injuries happen when boundaries are pushed, and athletes live to push those boundaries.
2.) Football is an extremely violent sport.
It rewards anger, meanness and violence. Now, this completely belittles all of the good things it brings about in children such as teamwork, companionship, discipline, etc. But we'll get to those in a bit.
I don't buy into all this crap about football bringing about violence in people who aren't naturally violent and such. The very public issues that the NFL has recently had with domestic abuse have aired this issue for all to see, without really putting it in any context for the average person. I haven't been in a fight since I was in 10th grade. I've had no need for any form of violence other than the occasional loud argument. Most of my fellow teammates live quiet, happy lives. As with most things, the few make the majority look bad.
3.) Youth football does not prepare your child for higher level play.
This is where I come into the argument in full swing. Is youth football worth the risk? I wasn't able to play football until high school due to my size. (I was simply too big for Pop Warner and CYFL didn't exist yet.)
So here's the reality of youth football. The coach's kid gets the position he wants. Probably quarterback or running back. Maybe linebacker too. The slower kids, the ones who haven't bloomed yet, they play line. The speedsters play everywhere and do everything.
You see...youth football ignores one major thing that high school football doesn't: puberty.
Chances are your 14 year old kid isn't going to look anything like he did at 11. It doesn't do much good to teach a kid about playing offensive line, for him to go and hit a growth spurt and all of a sudden be playing wide receiver because he's a 6 foot 5 beast with a 4.2 (second) forty yard dash and the ability to catch anything thrown at him. Wide Receiver and offensive Guard are such vastly different positions that they're barely the same sport. And yet, this happens all the time. As a freshman coach I was constantly bombarded with this line: "Coach, in Pop Warner/CYFL I played running back." Now you can insert any old position into the underlined portion but the problem with that oft-repeated line was this: that kid who played running back back in Pop Warner? Now he had a gut and hadn't showed up to summer work outs and hasn't had a meal that wasn't McDonald's in a month. That kid is going to be a lineman. Which may have led to some interesting conversations with Mom, but I always kept to my general rule, which was: if I can outrun you, you're a lineman.
The point: your kid is going to change, a lot, right in front of your eyes. Youth football teaches them to play the position they are suited for in their youth. Which most likely will not be the same position they are suited for on a high school football team. So if you're really all that worried about youth football, hold them out, let them decide if they want to play football when they're in high school and are at least going through puberty. You get teamwork from youth basketball and baseball. (To be fair, one of my worst injuries ever came from playing little league baseball.)
The Upsides of letting your kid play football (definitely not in order of importance):
1.) Injuries.
Weird right? But injuries toughen a kid up. I broke or jammed every finger on both hands in my playing career. And you know what? When I get hurt now...I don't freak out. I understand pain and I understand my limits. I can calmly assess the situation and figure out what needs to be done. I'm not the toughest guy on the block, but I can hold my own. When I came into high school football I was a puffball-fruitloop. I cried in history class because I got a B once. No lie. I mean, I didn't deserve the B, she was mad at me for talking. That's not right.
2.) Football is an extremely violent sport.
Hmmm. Again with this. The reality is that life isn't always that pretty, and having your child be able to hold their own with the roughest and toughest kids that high school can throw at them is not a bad thing.
3.) Teamwork.
Every job asks about it. Everyone who has played misses it. That feeling of team goes a long way. I still remember the vast majority of players I played with from every single season I played. Those people are important to you, they make a difference. Football is a great chance for your child to be a part of something bigger than himself. That opportunity is not afforded to everyone. It is earned, and it is worth it. Eleven guys with one purpose, one focus. Get the touchdown, deny the touchdown. It's beautiful, almost poetic.
4.) Discipline
Earlier I talked about how I had a lack of discipline with eating, due to, in part, football. This is largely true. But I also became extremely disciplined in working out, doing my homework (for some kids the only reason they even bother with class is because without it, they can't play their chosen sport) and showing up on time. With my coaches, if you missed the beginning of practice, you missed the beginning of the game, even if you were the Team Captain.
5.) It's fun.
It's so fun. I'm not the kind of person who sits around reliving the Glory Days, but if you put me in a room with even one of my high school football teammates and BOOM. We'll be...well, reliving the Glory Days. And our team wasn't even that good! Football is just that fun. There is nothing like it. You work so hard, day in and day out and you get rewarded by getting to go play against people you don't know and put everything on the line with your friends beside you. I'll say it again: eleven guys with one purpose, all working towards a common goal. It's an amazing feeling, one that I can truly say I miss.
So, should you hold your kid from football? Maybe. In the end, you're the parent and the decision falls to you. I can tell you this, if your kid wants to play, like really wants to play, and you stop him from doing so, you're doing your kid a disservice on a few different levels. But holding a child back from youth football is not going to hurt their high school football potential.
The best thing you can do is make an informed decision, talk to your kid about it, and if they decide to play, go get certified on how to recognize a concussion. Here's the link again: https://nfhslearn.com/courses.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Searching for a House, the Online Edition
Alright fellow House Hunters and blog-readers, we talked a little bit about my 5 Must Haves earlier this week and I promised a conversation about the MLS. The MLS (or Multiple Listing System) is a tool that Realtor's use to list their client's homes, and search for homes for their buyers. If you're not a Realtor you would use various websites and services such as Trulia, Zillow and Realtor.com. The danger of all of the sites is that they don't update regularly. They update about as often as your grandmother updates her facebook account. Or maybe as often as mine. You could have a very socially active grandmother, who am I to judge?
Zillow has, on multiple occasions, shown me a house for sale that I loved, only for me to find out that the listing was sold or withdrawn entire months before I even saw the home! I try to keep up with the various apps and services so that I can better understand what my potential clients are seeing, but sometimes I get sad.
Now, down to MLS. The wife and I decided to actually start taking one night a week to look at local listings. We have our "must haves" and we know where we would, optimally, like to live. We have a general idea what we want the bones of our home to be and that we don't want to have a crawlspace because snakes live down there. So when I went to input our search parameters I was relatively sure my search would be limited, with not a lot of options out there, right? Wrong. Even thought the current Real Estate landscape is definitely in the favor of the Seller, there are a lot of properties out there, they're just not all...perfect. Or you know...good.
I had to narrow and narrow my search, almost nitpicking the homes I didn't like. "Well, this one is facing north so, mildew might grow on it and there's a chance I could see Jesus' face growing in there and I don't want all the added attention... and this one is neon-purple in places it shouldn't be and who paints anymore?" I know, I know exactly what you're thinking, is there any place where neon-purple shouldn't be?
The reality is that the wife and I have been taught, through years of hard education, plopped down in front of DIY TV, specifically: Property Brothers and Rehab Addict...to look past the paint and current decoration or even layout. But at some point, you (the buyer) have to remember that, looking past the paint, the carpet, the kitchen, etc...it can get expensive surprisingly fast. If you find a home that's listed for 30K under what you're okay with spending then, yes, look past everything! If you have room to remodel and redesign then you should! Make your new home truly yours (well, if you have the time, desire and know how to actually do the work.)
But, let's say your price-ceiling is 200K and you find a home that you feel needs a lot of immediate work, listed for, let's say, 190K...unless you manage to get your lower offer accepted, you may end up living in a house you don't love...and a general fact of life is: if you don't do it (whatever it is) when you first think about it, then you probably won't. There's a good chance that if you buy a home with "plans to remodel in the future" that you'll just end up living in a house you don't like talking to your friends about how this kitchen is so getting redone next year.
So we've begun to narrow down our search even further. We're okay with purchasing a home that needs small amounts of work that I can actually do on my own, or is affordable to have done (say carpeting one or two rooms.) We're okay with problems that are mainly decor based, although after seeing pictures of about four homes with male, graphically, intensely-nude statues in the front yard and one home with what I'm pretty sure was a mounted jackalope on the wall, I understand why my clients sometimes have issues looking past what they see immediately.
Since we aren't actively ready to buy quite yet, we also eliminated any houses that had just the one picture--of the front of the house. To me that says two things:
1) There is a good chance that this house isn't real, it's like Clint Eastwood real--a prop house that may or may not have been the background for a shootout or two. You know, the kind of place where you can walk in the front door, right into the backyard.
2) Or, entirely more likely: this is a horribly lazy Realtor (or the property is Bank Owned, or both.)
Many of the photos we saw on our first day of searching were like this:
Sweet! A curtain! Even if the Seller did decide to leave this precious gem behind for me to treasure forever, and possibly ever...I hope the Realtor knows that I can, in fact, buy a new shower curtain.
Zillow has, on multiple occasions, shown me a house for sale that I loved, only for me to find out that the listing was sold or withdrawn entire months before I even saw the home! I try to keep up with the various apps and services so that I can better understand what my potential clients are seeing, but sometimes I get sad.
Now, down to MLS. The wife and I decided to actually start taking one night a week to look at local listings. We have our "must haves" and we know where we would, optimally, like to live. We have a general idea what we want the bones of our home to be and that we don't want to have a crawlspace because snakes live down there. So when I went to input our search parameters I was relatively sure my search would be limited, with not a lot of options out there, right? Wrong. Even thought the current Real Estate landscape is definitely in the favor of the Seller, there are a lot of properties out there, they're just not all...perfect. Or you know...good.
I had to narrow and narrow my search, almost nitpicking the homes I didn't like. "Well, this one is facing north so, mildew might grow on it and there's a chance I could see Jesus' face growing in there and I don't want all the added attention... and this one is neon-purple in places it shouldn't be and who paints anymore?" I know, I know exactly what you're thinking, is there any place where neon-purple shouldn't be?
Didn't get enough club at the club? Well we brought the club to your room. Now you can club, even when you get home from the club.
You're welcome.
But, let's say your price-ceiling is 200K and you find a home that you feel needs a lot of immediate work, listed for, let's say, 190K...unless you manage to get your lower offer accepted, you may end up living in a house you don't love...and a general fact of life is: if you don't do it (whatever it is) when you first think about it, then you probably won't. There's a good chance that if you buy a home with "plans to remodel in the future" that you'll just end up living in a house you don't like talking to your friends about how this kitchen is so getting redone next year.
So we've begun to narrow down our search even further. We're okay with purchasing a home that needs small amounts of work that I can actually do on my own, or is affordable to have done (say carpeting one or two rooms.) We're okay with problems that are mainly decor based, although after seeing pictures of about four homes with male, graphically, intensely-nude statues in the front yard and one home with what I'm pretty sure was a mounted jackalope on the wall, I understand why my clients sometimes have issues looking past what they see immediately.
Elmer Fudd's unicorn.
1) There is a good chance that this house isn't real, it's like Clint Eastwood real--a prop house that may or may not have been the background for a shootout or two. You know, the kind of place where you can walk in the front door, right into the backyard.
2) Or, entirely more likely: this is a horribly lazy Realtor (or the property is Bank Owned, or both.)
Many of the photos we saw on our first day of searching were like this:
Admittedly this would be fine for a hardware store, or a tile show, but this leaves out important information like...where is it? What does the rest of the bathroom (I hope it's a bathroom) look like?
Buy the end of our first night of actually looking for a home I'd found as many ways to not be lazy as a Realtor or crazy as a home decorator as I had actual houses I was interested in. (And we found quite a few homes we were interested in.)
If you have any funny house hunting experiences or things you've seen that can't be unseen, hit me up in the comments below, or on facebook!
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The House Hunt is On
My wife and I decided awhile ago that our townhouse was no longer for us. Well, she bought into what I had been saying since the record breaking day where I knocked the same wall decoration off the same wall ten times via the exercise of moving from the hallway into the office/guest room. After about two months of this rinse-repeat process I had a really sore shoulder and our wall decoration became noticeably thinner.
Now, I'm not insinuating that we want to buy a home because I knock things off walls. This is simply an example of the problem. We have no work-space, where the Hell are we going to put our future little ones and I am most certainly not a dog-walker. One more night of me standing out in the rain/cold/heat/wind/humidity/mosquitoes staring angrily at my dogs as they smell one piece of grass so relentlessly, so deeply I think they might be trying to actually ingest it through their nostrils and I might break down into an outdoor rant about how much I hate walking my picky freakin' dogs. I want a yard so badly that when I look at my back porch I imagine adding chores like lawn mowing, gardening and building a fence with a smile. Something my parents would tell you I was not so quick to smile about in my youth.
So the time has come and we are on the house hunt. Conveniently I'm a Realtor, meaning I don't have to hire anyone, find anyone, vet anyone, or any other thing you do when person hunting for a house hunter.
The first step in house hunting as a couple, as those of you with some experience in this may know, is deciding what both of you actually like. In some relationships that would have been more difficult. Luckily for my wife she loves Jonathan from the Property Brothers and his sense of style and I was a clean slate with no opinions on anything involving what the inside of a house should look like. (Basically, we like mostly the same things.) So we put our 5 Must Haves together and discussed them.
Ours rounded out to something like this:
1) Must have yard.
2) Must have storage space.
3) Minimum of 3 bedrooms.
4) Must be in a reasonable price range. The modern economy has everyone in a bind, and typically I wouldn't recommend worrying too much about price, but rather worrying about your monthly bill. However, keeping track of interest rates and discount points is never a bad thing.
5) Must have good bones. I'm not afraid of work. I also happen to have a father-in-law who is very gung-ho about his daughter and would love to help us put the home we want together. The point here being, a lot of the times we have to look past the paint, the kitchen, and the general decorative arrangement and scheme of the house and see what we like about it. Room placement, room size, location (location, location) etc.
We can always adjust our "Must Haves" as the situation changes, but it's not a bad thing to put together. In fact, we've been trying to apply the idea to other things in our lives, such as Must Haves for our diet, exercise and general rules of our relationship. For example: she must be perfect in all things and I must be catered to relentlessly. Or did I get that backwards?
If you have any great "Must Haves" you think I should care about more, leave a comment, or even if you want to share your ideas. (Or good homes you know for sale in the area!)
Next we talk about the MLS (Multiple Listing Service) and why it's weird to browse with your spouse. (Mind you, if you're not a Realtor you'd probably be using Trulia, Zillow or Realtor.com, but the general idea is the same.)
Now, I'm not insinuating that we want to buy a home because I knock things off walls. This is simply an example of the problem. We have no work-space, where the Hell are we going to put our future little ones and I am most certainly not a dog-walker. One more night of me standing out in the rain/cold/heat/wind/humidity/mosquitoes staring angrily at my dogs as they smell one piece of grass so relentlessly, so deeply I think they might be trying to actually ingest it through their nostrils and I might break down into an outdoor rant about how much I hate walking my picky freakin' dogs. I want a yard so badly that when I look at my back porch I imagine adding chores like lawn mowing, gardening and building a fence with a smile. Something my parents would tell you I was not so quick to smile about in my youth.
So the time has come and we are on the house hunt. Conveniently I'm a Realtor, meaning I don't have to hire anyone, find anyone, vet anyone, or any other thing you do when person hunting for a house hunter.
The first step in house hunting as a couple, as those of you with some experience in this may know, is deciding what both of you actually like. In some relationships that would have been more difficult. Luckily for my wife she loves Jonathan from the Property Brothers and his sense of style and I was a clean slate with no opinions on anything involving what the inside of a house should look like. (Basically, we like mostly the same things.) So we put our 5 Must Haves together and discussed them.
Ours rounded out to something like this:
1) Must have yard.
2) Must have storage space.
3) Minimum of 3 bedrooms.
4) Must be in a reasonable price range. The modern economy has everyone in a bind, and typically I wouldn't recommend worrying too much about price, but rather worrying about your monthly bill. However, keeping track of interest rates and discount points is never a bad thing.
5) Must have good bones. I'm not afraid of work. I also happen to have a father-in-law who is very gung-ho about his daughter and would love to help us put the home we want together. The point here being, a lot of the times we have to look past the paint, the kitchen, and the general decorative arrangement and scheme of the house and see what we like about it. Room placement, room size, location (location, location) etc.
We can always adjust our "Must Haves" as the situation changes, but it's not a bad thing to put together. In fact, we've been trying to apply the idea to other things in our lives, such as Must Haves for our diet, exercise and general rules of our relationship. For example: she must be perfect in all things and I must be catered to relentlessly. Or did I get that backwards?
If you have any great "Must Haves" you think I should care about more, leave a comment, or even if you want to share your ideas. (Or good homes you know for sale in the area!)
Next we talk about the MLS (Multiple Listing Service) and why it's weird to browse with your spouse. (Mind you, if you're not a Realtor you'd probably be using Trulia, Zillow or Realtor.com, but the general idea is the same.)
Friday, October 31, 2014
Happy Halloween
Halloween is here! Boo and stuff.
It used to be that this time of year, I'd work a shift at whatever company I was currently with, and then feel obligated to go to someone's party, probably a co-worker, in a shoddy costume that I made by cobbling together things I found at a local thrift shop. I didn't even actually go to more than one thrift shop. If the shop I went to couldn't put together a costume then I put on some dancing shoes and a fedora and I was a 1920's era gangster. Again. Over the years it created a lot of interesting conversations with people who frequented the same parties.
"What was your costume last year, Dave?"
"Oh, I was 1920's Era Gangster, Tommy Ten-Fingers, called such because of his relatively normal appearance and physical make-up."
"Why did you dress up in the same costume this year?"
"I didn't! As you can clearly see by my beard and growing belly, I'm now portraying Tommy's cousin, Fat Freddy the Beard. I'm really into gangsters."
This conversation normally ended with me walking away and getting more beer and just waiting for the part of the night where people stopped looking at costumes and became more concerned with who had next on Beer Pong.
Being married has made things a lot simpler. See, I really, really enjoy parties-but now I don't have to go, like ever. Amazing!
See, parties... they're a lot of fun. But parties are really only about looking at sexy girls and sexy girls wearing less clothes than appropriate and being looked at. It's a lot like any University gym or an L.A. Fitness. Now, there are some guys out there who meet a girl at a party and can take her home that night. There are some girls who want that. But for most girls and most guys it's just a Meat Market. You see what you like, maybe throw a few words their way and see if they bite and then you play Beer Pong. If you're an excellent Beer Ponger, like myself or former colleague Boomy, this may actually seal the deal!
However, being married has severely limited my party options, and I don't know if I'm complaining. We went to a pumpkin carving party at one of my friends homes. He has 5 sons so we actually carved pumpkins. We're going to my mother's tonight. There will be free food and grandparents.
But I don't have to dress up, I won't be hung-over tomorrow and I won't be pining over some sexy girl because she's already in my bed-I liked it, I put a ring on it. Battle fought. Battle won.
So, while I hope you all enjoy your Halloween parties and costumes, I'm happy to retire the fedora and dancing shoes for at least one more year.
And this October the 31st I'll be enjoying a beer, without the added pong, which, is a little sad, really.
It used to be that this time of year, I'd work a shift at whatever company I was currently with, and then feel obligated to go to someone's party, probably a co-worker, in a shoddy costume that I made by cobbling together things I found at a local thrift shop. I didn't even actually go to more than one thrift shop. If the shop I went to couldn't put together a costume then I put on some dancing shoes and a fedora and I was a 1920's era gangster. Again. Over the years it created a lot of interesting conversations with people who frequented the same parties.
"What was your costume last year, Dave?"
"Oh, I was 1920's Era Gangster, Tommy Ten-Fingers, called such because of his relatively normal appearance and physical make-up."
"Why did you dress up in the same costume this year?"
"I didn't! As you can clearly see by my beard and growing belly, I'm now portraying Tommy's cousin, Fat Freddy the Beard. I'm really into gangsters."
This conversation normally ended with me walking away and getting more beer and just waiting for the part of the night where people stopped looking at costumes and became more concerned with who had next on Beer Pong.
Being married has made things a lot simpler. See, I really, really enjoy parties-but now I don't have to go, like ever. Amazing!
See, parties... they're a lot of fun. But parties are really only about looking at sexy girls and sexy girls wearing less clothes than appropriate and being looked at. It's a lot like any University gym or an L.A. Fitness. Now, there are some guys out there who meet a girl at a party and can take her home that night. There are some girls who want that. But for most girls and most guys it's just a Meat Market. You see what you like, maybe throw a few words their way and see if they bite and then you play Beer Pong. If you're an excellent Beer Ponger, like myself or former colleague Boomy, this may actually seal the deal!
However, being married has severely limited my party options, and I don't know if I'm complaining. We went to a pumpkin carving party at one of my friends homes. He has 5 sons so we actually carved pumpkins. We're going to my mother's tonight. There will be free food and grandparents.
But I don't have to dress up, I won't be hung-over tomorrow and I won't be pining over some sexy girl because she's already in my bed-I liked it, I put a ring on it. Battle fought. Battle won.
So, while I hope you all enjoy your Halloween parties and costumes, I'm happy to retire the fedora and dancing shoes for at least one more year.
And this October the 31st I'll be enjoying a beer, without the added pong, which, is a little sad, really.
Friday, September 26, 2014
10 Year Reunion and the Fever
Tonight is my Ten Year High School Reunion. I'm making it sound proper to show you the depths of confusion to which this statement brings me. I mean...what the Hell happened? A few years ago my biggest concern was getting to Best Buy on time (And I rarely did. Alafaya traffic was a fickle mistress.) or even what movie to go see that weekend. Now my wife decides such things. No need for decisions here!
But then I started in teaching and I started in coaching and I went to bed one night and woke up here. Ten years out of high school and not sure where the time went. I don't know what to say to my old friends about where life has taken me. Just as I'm sure they'll have trouble telling me...because I'll be talking more and it's difficult to get a word in edgewise.
A few short years ago, I was an over qualified salesman working at a Best Buy. Then I was an under-qualified teacher working with kids with disabilities. Now I'm a perfectly qualified Real Estate Agent...I'm a husband. I'm a homeowner. I mean I blinked...like maybe one time.
As an aside--many, many years ago, I was sitting in the backseat of my father's car. Him, my brother and I were going to the grocery store. My mother was pregnant with Erin and we had to pick up something for her. Not sure what, I was nine years old at the time. It's been awhile. My father was tired and it was late, he was keeping the air conditioner at a little past iceberg, but before zero degrees Kelvin--he said it was to keep him awake. I was strewn across the backseat futilely trying to use my shirt as a blanket, stretching it out past my legs and loudly complaining to my father about how cold I was. To say that I regretted my decision to accompany them was an understatement. I was positive I was going to die with a cute icicle mustache and ironic frost goatee. As I lay in that back seat, slowly dying, a thought suddenly blindsided me...one day I too would have a wife. I would have a wife and I would need to go to the bank late at night to cash a check for my job (Nine year old me did not foresee direct deposit, or the internet...) or I would need to go to the grocery store to get her something she wanted or my children needed...and because I was nine years old and far too young to handle the complexities of that concept, I sat paralyzed and freezing the entire way home. What a scary idea! It was gut-wrenching! Me! A dad! A husband! I was nine! I wasn't even in the Majors at my Little League yet...I mean we were still in Coach-Pitch! This was too much.
Fifteen years later and it was still too much. Sure, I had learned how to manage what little money I had. I had learned how to go to the grocery store and ignore the healthy stuff and get Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and feel proud of myself as I cleaned the kitchen. I dated, I had fun, but that same stomach churning fear was still there. Responsibility was coming straight for me, brights on and honking and I was wide eyed and stuck in the middle of the road.
Then I met Amanda and I just...wasn't. They tell me that's how it happens. It's like a switch in our heads--the male mind, one day you want to stay up late drinking with your friends and the next day you want to stay up late drinking with your friends and go home to your beautiful wife. It's a subtle shift.
Now my wife has a lot of more...adult friends. Somehow, through the entire course of my life I've managed to keep the same ten or so friends. I added two new friends right out of high school and one right out of college and I've sort of...plateaued. Now, I've made a lot of really great acquaintances, people who I consider "friends" but they all know the adult me. The guy who showed up for work everyday, the guy who posts on facebook about his wife and going to trivia on Wednesdays. The teacher, the coach or the salesman. But my best friends--they know me as the guy who plays World of Warcraft and talks about writing novels (a new novel idea each week, of course...) They know me as the guy who used to get them into movies and whose mom was a bit too scary to make fun of--she's always listening. And--not to belittle those friends, my closest friends...but only one of them is married, and while yes, he does have five children, it's easy to ignore him as an outlier, the exception to the Childless-Friend-of-Dave Rule.
Not so with my wife's friends. No siree, Bob. Her friends are all married and have been since college. Her friends are all having children. All of them. Like on rotation--like it's a damn job. Like they planned it and my wife is next.
Naturally they all have baby showers, as is custom. (We have one tomorrow in Jacksonville.) And as is custom my wife goes to Babies and Stuff (she's on her way there now) or wherever it is women go when baby shower invites go out and she proceeds to purchase baby products and says things like, "We'll need that when we have children." Or "Oh, we're definitely going to have ours off the boob by a year, ha ha!" "White noise machines are integral to getting your children to be able to sleep easily the rest of their lives!"
Of course she ignores my stricken looks and confused faces. I mean, how does she even know all this stuff? Why is she even thinking about it. In my head you just kind of live life until you're pregnant then you figure it out from there. Not my wife...no. She is prepared. Like...she could teach a class on how to prepare for preparing to be a mom. We could call it Pre-Pregnancy Motherhood and How to be Ready for Pregnancy, Motherhood, Pregnant Friends, and the "You should be a Mother Already Pressure" of Mothers, Mothers-in-Law and Grandmother 101. We'd have to shorten the name to fit it into the course catalog.
So I've been informed that my wife most likely (definitely) has Baby Fever. By "been informed" I really mean "been informed by my wife and every woman who talks to me or my wife up to and including people who don't know me that well through facebook." I've always heard jokes about Biological Clocks and been told by men with sorrow in their eyes to keep your bright, young, pretty wife away from jaded old mothers because misery loves company and women will convince other women to join them in their suffering and ha ha what a laugh!
Then it happened! Much like my High School Reunion being tonight sneaking up on me, so too has this. Yesterday I was on a couch with a girl I barely knew watching a Knight's Tale thinking about how kick-ass it was that a chick liked this super sweet movie and mourning over the recent death of my darling Heath Ledger, and then "blink." I'm a married man sitting in front of a computer thinking about cashing checks and selling houses and going to the grocery store in a needlessly freezing car just to try and stay awake.
But then I started in teaching and I started in coaching and I went to bed one night and woke up here. Ten years out of high school and not sure where the time went. I don't know what to say to my old friends about where life has taken me. Just as I'm sure they'll have trouble telling me...because I'll be talking more and it's difficult to get a word in edgewise.
A few short years ago, I was an over qualified salesman working at a Best Buy. Then I was an under-qualified teacher working with kids with disabilities. Now I'm a perfectly qualified Real Estate Agent...I'm a husband. I'm a homeowner. I mean I blinked...like maybe one time.
As an aside--many, many years ago, I was sitting in the backseat of my father's car. Him, my brother and I were going to the grocery store. My mother was pregnant with Erin and we had to pick up something for her. Not sure what, I was nine years old at the time. It's been awhile. My father was tired and it was late, he was keeping the air conditioner at a little past iceberg, but before zero degrees Kelvin--he said it was to keep him awake. I was strewn across the backseat futilely trying to use my shirt as a blanket, stretching it out past my legs and loudly complaining to my father about how cold I was. To say that I regretted my decision to accompany them was an understatement. I was positive I was going to die with a cute icicle mustache and ironic frost goatee. As I lay in that back seat, slowly dying, a thought suddenly blindsided me...one day I too would have a wife. I would have a wife and I would need to go to the bank late at night to cash a check for my job (Nine year old me did not foresee direct deposit, or the internet...) or I would need to go to the grocery store to get her something she wanted or my children needed...and because I was nine years old and far too young to handle the complexities of that concept, I sat paralyzed and freezing the entire way home. What a scary idea! It was gut-wrenching! Me! A dad! A husband! I was nine! I wasn't even in the Majors at my Little League yet...I mean we were still in Coach-Pitch! This was too much.
Fifteen years later and it was still too much. Sure, I had learned how to manage what little money I had. I had learned how to go to the grocery store and ignore the healthy stuff and get Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and feel proud of myself as I cleaned the kitchen. I dated, I had fun, but that same stomach churning fear was still there. Responsibility was coming straight for me, brights on and honking and I was wide eyed and stuck in the middle of the road.
Then I met Amanda and I just...wasn't. They tell me that's how it happens. It's like a switch in our heads--the male mind, one day you want to stay up late drinking with your friends and the next day you want to stay up late drinking with your friends and go home to your beautiful wife. It's a subtle shift.
Now my wife has a lot of more...adult friends. Somehow, through the entire course of my life I've managed to keep the same ten or so friends. I added two new friends right out of high school and one right out of college and I've sort of...plateaued. Now, I've made a lot of really great acquaintances, people who I consider "friends" but they all know the adult me. The guy who showed up for work everyday, the guy who posts on facebook about his wife and going to trivia on Wednesdays. The teacher, the coach or the salesman. But my best friends--they know me as the guy who plays World of Warcraft and talks about writing novels (a new novel idea each week, of course...) They know me as the guy who used to get them into movies and whose mom was a bit too scary to make fun of--she's always listening. And--not to belittle those friends, my closest friends...but only one of them is married, and while yes, he does have five children, it's easy to ignore him as an outlier, the exception to the Childless-Friend-of-Dave Rule.
Not so with my wife's friends. No siree, Bob. Her friends are all married and have been since college. Her friends are all having children. All of them. Like on rotation--like it's a damn job. Like they planned it and my wife is next.
Naturally they all have baby showers, as is custom. (We have one tomorrow in Jacksonville.) And as is custom my wife goes to Babies and Stuff (she's on her way there now) or wherever it is women go when baby shower invites go out and she proceeds to purchase baby products and says things like, "We'll need that when we have children." Or "Oh, we're definitely going to have ours off the boob by a year, ha ha!" "White noise machines are integral to getting your children to be able to sleep easily the rest of their lives!"
Of course she ignores my stricken looks and confused faces. I mean, how does she even know all this stuff? Why is she even thinking about it. In my head you just kind of live life until you're pregnant then you figure it out from there. Not my wife...no. She is prepared. Like...she could teach a class on how to prepare for preparing to be a mom. We could call it Pre-Pregnancy Motherhood and How to be Ready for Pregnancy, Motherhood, Pregnant Friends, and the "You should be a Mother Already Pressure" of Mothers, Mothers-in-Law and Grandmother 101. We'd have to shorten the name to fit it into the course catalog.
So I've been informed that my wife most likely (definitely) has Baby Fever. By "been informed" I really mean "been informed by my wife and every woman who talks to me or my wife up to and including people who don't know me that well through facebook." I've always heard jokes about Biological Clocks and been told by men with sorrow in their eyes to keep your bright, young, pretty wife away from jaded old mothers because misery loves company and women will convince other women to join them in their suffering and ha ha what a laugh!
Then it happened! Much like my High School Reunion being tonight sneaking up on me, so too has this. Yesterday I was on a couch with a girl I barely knew watching a Knight's Tale thinking about how kick-ass it was that a chick liked this super sweet movie and mourning over the recent death of my darling Heath Ledger, and then "blink." I'm a married man sitting in front of a computer thinking about cashing checks and selling houses and going to the grocery store in a needlessly freezing car just to try and stay awake.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Dr. Seuss and his 500 Hats
Theodor Geisel. The man himself. Dr. Freakin' Seuss.
Today I spent some time trolling around the various news websites looking for something funny to talk about. At first, I found comedic hope in a man suing Outback Steakhouse over mashed potatoes. But that article became sad and scary when I read further. The dude actually needs to be suing them for about three times what he is. Outback had let broken chunks of ceramic plates fall into the mashed potatoes--and then instead of making a new batch, just went ahead and served the rockier version.
Onward and onward I searched. Turbulent times in Kiev, American Olympian Women get some sweet new bling, Russia lookin' in on Ukraine and dreaming sweet dreams about pipelines. Nothing immediately hilarious, nothing to make light of.
But, like my Father once told me, "When the news is mainly good news, that's when I'll start to worry." With that wisdom in mind, I was undeterred in my search of the funny and lighthearted.
And then?
Hats. Hats and whimsy.
Audrey & Ted Geisel courtesy of the Dr. Seuss Estate
Dr. Seuss apparently collected hats, and like my grandmother and her many collections, hid them all away on his estate in some mysterious, presumably dark, closet--only to eventually be discovered by his grieving relatives. He also collected paintings, but that's less fun.
Editors note: My grandmother is alive, I'm just positing an educated guess on the future of my grandmothers home.
75 years ago Dr. Seuss wrote The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins, and in honor of that, his (I'm thinking awesome) hat collection is going on tour.
It's hard not to laugh when you think about Dr. Seuss actually owning a hat collection. Now that I know he actually did--it's impossible for me to think of him not having one. Dr. Seuss without a hat stash would be like Barry Bonds not having a baseball room, or Michael Phelps not having a medal case. I also imagine Seuss having a really odd garden somewhere, and drinking tea with animals and communing with nature, but not in a cultish, druidic way, but like, just talking, you know, man to tree.
I tend to imagine Dr. Seuss as a reverse to all of the themes that they teach in English Criticism and Literary Theory courses to students who will spend the next ten years looking for jobs and eventually going back to school for something else: Man vs. Nature becomes Man with Nature. Man vs. Machine becomes Beware the Machine, but heck, Man with Machine. Man vs. Himself becomes Man finds Himself, but Himself is actually a person-like-thing dressed like Beetlejuice and the book is probably a pretty good read.
I don't find Dr. Seuss to be a source humor in the classic way. I've never laughed at Dr. Seuss. Even our favorite comedians typically poke fun at themselves, it alleviates some of the tension when they make fun of others and things for a living. Dr. Seuss had a way of writing that helped us think, helped us learn for ourselves. Did we laugh? Of course. But one laughs with Dr. Seuss.
Now I'm sure the man himself was not perfect. But his work was. Imagine a world without the Lorax, Horton or the Cat in the Hat. Imagine a world where leaves are only green and the Grinch never stole Christmas. It's hard to think about my childhood and not see and hear Dr. Seuss' influence.
Editors note; Sadly, we already missed the Florida dates of the Seuss hat-show (they were in Tampa back in January.)
So, instead of that sad news, I'll leave you with this great piece from Buzzfeed.
If Dr. Seuss Titles were Named According to their Subtexts.
Today I spent some time trolling around the various news websites looking for something funny to talk about. At first, I found comedic hope in a man suing Outback Steakhouse over mashed potatoes. But that article became sad and scary when I read further. The dude actually needs to be suing them for about three times what he is. Outback had let broken chunks of ceramic plates fall into the mashed potatoes--and then instead of making a new batch, just went ahead and served the rockier version.
Onward and onward I searched. Turbulent times in Kiev, American Olympian Women get some sweet new bling, Russia lookin' in on Ukraine and dreaming sweet dreams about pipelines. Nothing immediately hilarious, nothing to make light of.
But, like my Father once told me, "When the news is mainly good news, that's when I'll start to worry." With that wisdom in mind, I was undeterred in my search of the funny and lighthearted.
And then?
Hats. Hats and whimsy.
Dr. Seuss apparently collected hats, and like my grandmother and her many collections, hid them all away on his estate in some mysterious, presumably dark, closet--only to eventually be discovered by his grieving relatives. He also collected paintings, but that's less fun.
Editors note: My grandmother is alive, I'm just positing an educated guess on the future of my grandmothers home.
75 years ago Dr. Seuss wrote The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins, and in honor of that, his (I'm thinking awesome) hat collection is going on tour.
It's hard not to laugh when you think about Dr. Seuss actually owning a hat collection. Now that I know he actually did--it's impossible for me to think of him not having one. Dr. Seuss without a hat stash would be like Barry Bonds not having a baseball room, or Michael Phelps not having a medal case. I also imagine Seuss having a really odd garden somewhere, and drinking tea with animals and communing with nature, but not in a cultish, druidic way, but like, just talking, you know, man to tree.
I tend to imagine Dr. Seuss as a reverse to all of the themes that they teach in English Criticism and Literary Theory courses to students who will spend the next ten years looking for jobs and eventually going back to school for something else: Man vs. Nature becomes Man with Nature. Man vs. Machine becomes Beware the Machine, but heck, Man with Machine. Man vs. Himself becomes Man finds Himself, but Himself is actually a person-like-thing dressed like Beetlejuice and the book is probably a pretty good read.
I don't find Dr. Seuss to be a source humor in the classic way. I've never laughed at Dr. Seuss. Even our favorite comedians typically poke fun at themselves, it alleviates some of the tension when they make fun of others and things for a living. Dr. Seuss had a way of writing that helped us think, helped us learn for ourselves. Did we laugh? Of course. But one laughs with Dr. Seuss.
Now I'm sure the man himself was not perfect. But his work was. Imagine a world without the Lorax, Horton or the Cat in the Hat. Imagine a world where leaves are only green and the Grinch never stole Christmas. It's hard to think about my childhood and not see and hear Dr. Seuss' influence.
Editors note; Sadly, we already missed the Florida dates of the Seuss hat-show (they were in Tampa back in January.)
So, instead of that sad news, I'll leave you with this great piece from Buzzfeed.
If Dr. Seuss Titles were Named According to their Subtexts.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Inception: American Chinese food in China
Some American expatriates living in China have decided, wisely, that they miss...you guessed it...Chinese food. So these General Tsu's Chicken-loving entrepreneurs decided to bring a bit of good ol' fashion home take-out ordering back with them to China. Even though it came from China in the first place. Then changed. Then eventually found its way back home. Like a bird who flew South for the winter, but then stayed too long, went native, and finally realized it missed it's mommy.
It's one of those things that you probably don't think about when you move to a new country. But if you're living in a country that has a food that Americans have reinvented almost entirely and yet still labeled as authentic international food--chances are you aren't going to get what you're used to.
Chinese food has been around in America for decades--over half of a century. It has become an intrinsic part of our culture, and yet really, most of the food that we label as Chinese is much closer to fried chicken and sauces that more closely resemble our barbeque flavors than the authentic Chinese cuisine they are often claimed to be.
The crazy thing about this is...it should work. China is becoming a business capitol of the World and quickly. The reality is that Americans and other 'Westerners' will be living in China more and more as more American and 'Western' companies need to have offices in the country. I'd expect a lot of faux-international American cuisine-serving restaurants to show up over the next few years.
This issue isn't new to Americans--even Everybody Loves Raymond tackled it when Ray and Company went to Italy. It was a watershed moment for Ray, he ate Italian Pizza, which was like eating Pizza for the first time every, so he said. And it probably was. American Pizza is not Italian Pizza, not even in the ballpark. And most of us know that. As a foodie-culture, we are relatively aware that we take international food and twist it to fit out palates, which most Americans will admit, aren't exactly...classy. We like fast, fatty foods and a good portion of my generation actively hate cooking.
I don't think many Americans will be arguing, anytime soon, about the needs of our culture to get healthier, eat better and cook at home more. However, for those of us living in countries-not-our-own, this is a win. A taste of home in a faraway place.
I do, however, wonder what the average Chinese citizen thinks when walking by the window with the shining neon-light that reads "Chinese food."
It's one of those things that you probably don't think about when you move to a new country. But if you're living in a country that has a food that Americans have reinvented almost entirely and yet still labeled as authentic international food--chances are you aren't going to get what you're used to.
Chinese food has been around in America for decades--over half of a century. It has become an intrinsic part of our culture, and yet really, most of the food that we label as Chinese is much closer to fried chicken and sauces that more closely resemble our barbeque flavors than the authentic Chinese cuisine they are often claimed to be.
The crazy thing about this is...it should work. China is becoming a business capitol of the World and quickly. The reality is that Americans and other 'Westerners' will be living in China more and more as more American and 'Western' companies need to have offices in the country. I'd expect a lot of faux-international American cuisine-serving restaurants to show up over the next few years.
This issue isn't new to Americans--even Everybody Loves Raymond tackled it when Ray and Company went to Italy. It was a watershed moment for Ray, he ate Italian Pizza, which was like eating Pizza for the first time every, so he said. And it probably was. American Pizza is not Italian Pizza, not even in the ballpark. And most of us know that. As a foodie-culture, we are relatively aware that we take international food and twist it to fit out palates, which most Americans will admit, aren't exactly...classy. We like fast, fatty foods and a good portion of my generation actively hate cooking.
I don't think many Americans will be arguing, anytime soon, about the needs of our culture to get healthier, eat better and cook at home more. However, for those of us living in countries-not-our-own, this is a win. A taste of home in a faraway place.
I do, however, wonder what the average Chinese citizen thinks when walking by the window with the shining neon-light that reads "Chinese food."
Photo taken from Frank Langfitt/NPR. (I'll totally take it down if they ask. They don't even have to do so nicely.)
Monday, February 10, 2014
10 Reasons Why Michael Sam Coming Out Gay Shouldn't Be a Big Deal
1. He's pretty damn good.
The kid made SEC Defensive Player of the Year honors. Something that has garnered a First Round pick in the NFL Draft the past seven years running.
2. He's going to be Rich.
All of you, presumably not rich people, who hate that Michael Sam is going to be an NFL player--as these eight NFL insiders supposedly do, need to remember one important thing: If he gets drafted, he's going to be rich. He won't give a shit what you think.
3. He probably ain't the first.
According to various population demographics I've just looked up, the gay population is actually pretty high. Michael Sam is probably not the first gay guy in the NFL. He's just the first guy to tell everyone that he's gay heading into it. Is it the wisest thing to do? Probably not, considering that "MichaelSamisafaggot" is trending on twitter right now, I'm inclined to believe he's going to have it difficult--at least until people forget, which they will. Because people are dumb--Agent K taught me that.
4. Money, money, money...
It's pretty good business for the NFL. Having an openly gay player is a great way to make inroads into a segment of viewers that they've never made significant headway with before. If you think they don't want the extra viewers, then you've never been a multi-billion dollar industry before.
5. Pro locker rooms are already weird.
This is coming from someone whose spent a lot of time in locker rooms...it's already intensely weird that everyone is naked in college and pro locker rooms--and everyone flirts. I don't know if pretending to be gay or being fake gay is a thing, but...it's a thing. We've seen it on TV shows before...with 'bros' as the central characters. "Gay chicken." I'll leave it at that. Locker rooms are weird places--I find it difficult to believe that an actual homosexual would make it in anyway weirder. Would a hetero-sexual male do that with every girl he saw? Not if he wanted to get a girlfriend ever...or stay out of jail.
6. His teammates probably aren't too worried.
Is anyone really worried about him hitting on his teammates? Has anyone seen a football player before? This guy is going to have money. His men are going to be GQ models.
7. He's going to know all the hottest girls.
Going with in the vain vein of number 5. Gay guys know all the best girls. His teammates will probably have to sign in on some kind of list to hang out with him. He can just post it on his locker. "I'll be at such and such at 10 PM tonight, Beyonce and her back up dancers will be in attendance--only accepting 10, the ladies love defensive players and beards. Must wear suit and tie."
8. A bunch of college kids supported him, grown-ups can too.
Michael Sam has been pretty open about this, and according to him--he came out last August, before the season was fully underway. It apparently didn't hurt the team, as they got all the way to the SEC Title Game before losing to the National Runner-Up Auburn Tigers--and then winning their Cotton Bowl struggle vs. the dominant defense of the Oklahoma State Cowboys, 41-31.
9. Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito agree about this.
This particular drama cycle needs its very own post. I came back to writing the blog just after the Incognito/Martin circus arrived and then eventually packed up its tents and left town. I'll eventually write a post about this or submit an article to Yahoo Sports. But suffice it to say, if the supposed bully-ee and the bully-himself don't care about the kid being gay, then the average dude in the NFL probably won't either. (I keep saying "probably" so as to leave room for all the stupid that may happen.)
10. The NFL needs this to go well.
The NFL has had a rough year. The Hernandez murder(s). The allegations of an NFL team asking a player about his sexual orientation--a highly illegal practice...the bullying claims from Jonathan Martin and subsequent defense of Richie Incognito by his Dolphin teammates (which, one way or another is going to lead to changes in the NFL player-culture.) Essentially, the NFL can't be seen to handle this issue poorly. It's just another PR nightmare waiting in the wings.
The kid made SEC Defensive Player of the Year honors. Something that has garnered a First Round pick in the NFL Draft the past seven years running.
2. He's going to be Rich.
All of you, presumably not rich people, who hate that Michael Sam is going to be an NFL player--as these eight NFL insiders supposedly do, need to remember one important thing: If he gets drafted, he's going to be rich. He won't give a shit what you think.
3. He probably ain't the first.
According to various population demographics I've just looked up, the gay population is actually pretty high. Michael Sam is probably not the first gay guy in the NFL. He's just the first guy to tell everyone that he's gay heading into it. Is it the wisest thing to do? Probably not, considering that "MichaelSamisafaggot" is trending on twitter right now, I'm inclined to believe he's going to have it difficult--at least until people forget, which they will. Because people are dumb--Agent K taught me that.
4. Money, money, money...
It's pretty good business for the NFL. Having an openly gay player is a great way to make inroads into a segment of viewers that they've never made significant headway with before. If you think they don't want the extra viewers, then you've never been a multi-billion dollar industry before.
5. Pro locker rooms are already weird.
This is coming from someone whose spent a lot of time in locker rooms...it's already intensely weird that everyone is naked in college and pro locker rooms--and everyone flirts. I don't know if pretending to be gay or being fake gay is a thing, but...it's a thing. We've seen it on TV shows before...with 'bros' as the central characters. "Gay chicken." I'll leave it at that. Locker rooms are weird places--I find it difficult to believe that an actual homosexual would make it in anyway weirder. Would a hetero-sexual male do that with every girl he saw? Not if he wanted to get a girlfriend ever...or stay out of jail.
6. His teammates probably aren't too worried.
Is anyone really worried about him hitting on his teammates? Has anyone seen a football player before? This guy is going to have money. His men are going to be GQ models.
7. He's going to know all the hottest girls.
Going with in the vain vein of number 5. Gay guys know all the best girls. His teammates will probably have to sign in on some kind of list to hang out with him. He can just post it on his locker. "I'll be at such and such at 10 PM tonight, Beyonce and her back up dancers will be in attendance--only accepting 10, the ladies love defensive players and beards. Must wear suit and tie."
8. A bunch of college kids supported him, grown-ups can too.
Michael Sam has been pretty open about this, and according to him--he came out last August, before the season was fully underway. It apparently didn't hurt the team, as they got all the way to the SEC Title Game before losing to the National Runner-Up Auburn Tigers--and then winning their Cotton Bowl struggle vs. the dominant defense of the Oklahoma State Cowboys, 41-31.
9. Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito agree about this.
This particular drama cycle needs its very own post. I came back to writing the blog just after the Incognito/Martin circus arrived and then eventually packed up its tents and left town. I'll eventually write a post about this or submit an article to Yahoo Sports. But suffice it to say, if the supposed bully-ee and the bully-himself don't care about the kid being gay, then the average dude in the NFL probably won't either. (I keep saying "probably" so as to leave room for all the stupid that may happen.)
10. The NFL needs this to go well.
The NFL has had a rough year. The Hernandez murder(s). The allegations of an NFL team asking a player about his sexual orientation--a highly illegal practice...the bullying claims from Jonathan Martin and subsequent defense of Richie Incognito by his Dolphin teammates (which, one way or another is going to lead to changes in the NFL player-culture.) Essentially, the NFL can't be seen to handle this issue poorly. It's just another PR nightmare waiting in the wings.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Cat Cafes -- My Greatest Fear, Realized
Yes! Finally. The time for my personal Duality of Man crisis moment has come.
My greatest enemy and my greatest love (sorry Honey) have finally been combined into one, amorphous, terrible and yet beautiful business-related-blob.
This is a cat. He's probably annoyed about something you're doing.
This is a cup of coffee. It's probably delicious.
This is a small cat, sometimes known as a kitten, in a coffee cup. It's probably plotting your death.
That's right, beloved readers. There are Cat Cafe's, and they're coming to America. No word yet on the Eddie Murphy connection. The article states, "The cafes will be located in San Francisco and Oakland, Calif., and will be named KitTea and Cat Town Cafe. Both of the cat-themed restaurants are looking at a 2014 opening."
As you may know, I am deathly allergic to cats. It doesn't take me long to realize I've entered a cat infested house. The itching feeling, the watering and swelling of my eyes, the disturbance in the Force that tells me my death is near--all sure signs that someone has made the mistake of not adopting a dog.
You can probably see why the news of cat-toting cafes is disheartening for me. I already have to deal with cigarettes, constant agitators of my bi-annual struggles with bronchitis, at most cafes I regularly attend. That is to say Starbucks (pick it up entrepreneurs.) I don't know if I could handle this phenomena spreading to Orlando.
Of course, Korea is experimenting with Puppy Cafes. Which is probably worse news. I pose to you this question: How many times can a husband come home with a new puppy before he's just a single man hoarding dogs?
My greatest enemy and my greatest love (sorry Honey) have finally been combined into one, amorphous, terrible and yet beautiful business-related-blob.
This is a cat. He's probably annoyed about something you're doing.
This is a cup of coffee. It's probably delicious.
This is a small cat, sometimes known as a kitten, in a coffee cup. It's probably plotting your death.
That's right, beloved readers. There are Cat Cafe's, and they're coming to America. No word yet on the Eddie Murphy connection. The article states, "The cafes will be located in San Francisco and Oakland, Calif., and will be named KitTea and Cat Town Cafe. Both of the cat-themed restaurants are looking at a 2014 opening."
As you may know, I am deathly allergic to cats. It doesn't take me long to realize I've entered a cat infested house. The itching feeling, the watering and swelling of my eyes, the disturbance in the Force that tells me my death is near--all sure signs that someone has made the mistake of not adopting a dog.
You can probably see why the news of cat-toting cafes is disheartening for me. I already have to deal with cigarettes, constant agitators of my bi-annual struggles with bronchitis, at most cafes I regularly attend. That is to say Starbucks (pick it up entrepreneurs.) I don't know if I could handle this phenomena spreading to Orlando.
Of course, Korea is experimenting with Puppy Cafes. Which is probably worse news. I pose to you this question: How many times can a husband come home with a new puppy before he's just a single man hoarding dogs?
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
5 Taboos of Public of Internet Use
1. Porn
I've actually seen someone do this in public before. It didn't end well for him. I've only ever seen one person physically thrown out of a bookstore before, and that man, sadly, was pitching a not-so-subtle tent and hurriedly folding his laptop into his case.
Internet Porn is one of the few sexual taboos that no one really cares about anymore. There are songs dedicated to it, it comes up in conversation. In my younger, unmarried days, on a first date with a girl I never dated again, I was asked whom my favorite porn star was. I answered her. If you were betting on her not being my wife now, you'd be betting with the odds.
2. Openly Facebook Stalking People
It's funny when someone says it out loud. Someone knows just a little too much about you for your first time out, and you ask something like "Did I tell you that?"
And s/he says "Nah, I just stalk you on facebook."
Oh the laughs we've all had. Social Media you creepiness-inspiring bi-product of Gore and the 90's.
To me even opening up facebook, or any other social media site, at a cafe or public place seems weird. Facebook, to some degree, is what people use to let each other in on the private going-ons of their lives. It's Modern Society's way of saying "I want to know you better."
But for the dude two tables over to look at my screen and then turn and whisper to me "Bro, she's hot." And then consider that alright is most assuredly not alright.
3. The Portable Office
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against paying off a quick credit card, or checking a bank account. A few days ago I even went over a benefits package. That's fine. Laptops were made for people to be able to work freely. Hence the term "portable workstation." I'm all about getting out of the office to clear my head. I too love coffee.
But, presumably, you're getting out of the office for a reason. Bringing your desktop, monitor and a portable printer--along with enough paper work to make a Public School teacher flinch is a bit counter-intuitive. Seems like you could have just stayed in the office and saved yourself the hassle. I'm pretty sure it has a coffee pot. Or a Keurig--so good.
4. Play Video Games
Everyone's seen it. And the thing is, most of us play video games in one form another--Candy Crushers: you know who you are. Occasionally we even play the video game we see someone playing. That does not make it acceptable. Playing World of Warcraft in a cafe, with a headset on, and other people present, is a lot like saying "I don't ever want to have sex." Or maybe even "Friends are for other people."
Or ultimately "F*ck you and your books, bookstore. I'm here for the coffee and the internet." Which is probably why Borders went out of business and Barnes & Noble is doomed.
5. Watching YouTube Videos on Full Blast
Try watching Epic Meal Time without laughing or vomiting. The Whitest Kids U' Know have a skit about Abraham Lincoln that makes it functionally impossible for you to not curse out loud right along with them.
I know that in the moment, the most important thing in the entire universe is that your friend hear and see these things right freaking now. But it's also important to remember where you are. Sitting at a cafe, where people are utilizing their eyes for reading and their ears for not knowing you exist.
Feel free to add to the list in the comments section.
I've actually seen someone do this in public before. It didn't end well for him. I've only ever seen one person physically thrown out of a bookstore before, and that man, sadly, was pitching a not-so-subtle tent and hurriedly folding his laptop into his case.
Internet Porn is one of the few sexual taboos that no one really cares about anymore. There are songs dedicated to it, it comes up in conversation. In my younger, unmarried days, on a first date with a girl I never dated again, I was asked whom my favorite porn star was. I answered her. If you were betting on her not being my wife now, you'd be betting with the odds.
2. Openly Facebook Stalking People
It's funny when someone says it out loud. Someone knows just a little too much about you for your first time out, and you ask something like "Did I tell you that?"
And s/he says "Nah, I just stalk you on facebook."
Oh the laughs we've all had. Social Media you creepiness-inspiring bi-product of Gore and the 90's.
To me even opening up facebook, or any other social media site, at a cafe or public place seems weird. Facebook, to some degree, is what people use to let each other in on the private going-ons of their lives. It's Modern Society's way of saying "I want to know you better."
But for the dude two tables over to look at my screen and then turn and whisper to me "Bro, she's hot." And then consider that alright is most assuredly not alright.
3. The Portable Office
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against paying off a quick credit card, or checking a bank account. A few days ago I even went over a benefits package. That's fine. Laptops were made for people to be able to work freely. Hence the term "portable workstation." I'm all about getting out of the office to clear my head. I too love coffee.
But, presumably, you're getting out of the office for a reason. Bringing your desktop, monitor and a portable printer--along with enough paper work to make a Public School teacher flinch is a bit counter-intuitive. Seems like you could have just stayed in the office and saved yourself the hassle. I'm pretty sure it has a coffee pot. Or a Keurig--so good.
4. Play Video Games
Everyone's seen it. And the thing is, most of us play video games in one form another--Candy Crushers: you know who you are. Occasionally we even play the video game we see someone playing. That does not make it acceptable. Playing World of Warcraft in a cafe, with a headset on, and other people present, is a lot like saying "I don't ever want to have sex." Or maybe even "Friends are for other people."
Or ultimately "F*ck you and your books, bookstore. I'm here for the coffee and the internet." Which is probably why Borders went out of business and Barnes & Noble is doomed.
5. Watching YouTube Videos on Full Blast
Try watching Epic Meal Time without laughing or vomiting. The Whitest Kids U' Know have a skit about Abraham Lincoln that makes it functionally impossible for you to not curse out loud right along with them.
I know that in the moment, the most important thing in the entire universe is that your friend hear and see these things right freaking now. But it's also important to remember where you are. Sitting at a cafe, where people are utilizing their eyes for reading and their ears for not knowing you exist.
Feel free to add to the list in the comments section.
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