Halloween is here! Boo and stuff.
It used to be that this time of year, I'd work a shift at whatever company I was currently with, and then feel obligated to go to someone's party, probably a co-worker, in a shoddy costume that I made by cobbling together things I found at a local thrift shop. I didn't even actually go to more than one thrift shop. If the shop I went to couldn't put together a costume then I put on some dancing shoes and a fedora and I was a 1920's era gangster. Again. Over the years it created a lot of interesting conversations with people who frequented the same parties.
"What was your costume last year, Dave?"
"Oh, I was 1920's Era Gangster, Tommy Ten-Fingers, called such because of his relatively normal appearance and physical make-up."
"Why did you dress up in the same costume this year?"
"I didn't! As you can clearly see by my beard and growing belly, I'm now portraying Tommy's cousin, Fat Freddy the Beard. I'm really into gangsters."
This conversation normally ended with me walking away and getting more beer and just waiting for the part of the night where people stopped looking at costumes and became more concerned with who had next on Beer Pong.
Being married has made things a lot simpler. See, I really, really enjoy parties-but now I don't have to go, like ever. Amazing!
See, parties... they're a lot of fun. But parties are really only about looking at sexy girls and sexy girls wearing less clothes than appropriate and being looked at. It's a lot like any University gym or an L.A. Fitness. Now, there are some guys out there who meet a girl at a party and can take her home that night. There are some girls who want that. But for most girls and most guys it's just a Meat Market. You see what you like, maybe throw a few words their way and see if they bite and then you play Beer Pong. If you're an excellent Beer Ponger, like myself or former colleague Boomy, this may actually seal the deal!
However, being married has severely limited my party options, and I don't know if I'm complaining. We went to a pumpkin carving party at one of my friends homes. He has 5 sons so we actually carved pumpkins. We're going to my mother's tonight. There will be free food and grandparents.
But I don't have to dress up, I won't be hung-over tomorrow and I won't be pining over some sexy girl because she's already in my bed-I liked it, I put a ring on it. Battle fought. Battle won.
So, while I hope you all enjoy your Halloween parties and costumes, I'm happy to retire the fedora and dancing shoes for at least one more year.
And this October the 31st I'll be enjoying a beer, without the added pong, which, is a little sad, really.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Friday, September 26, 2014
10 Year Reunion and the Fever
Tonight is my Ten Year High School Reunion. I'm making it sound proper to show you the depths of confusion to which this statement brings me. I mean...what the Hell happened? A few years ago my biggest concern was getting to Best Buy on time (And I rarely did. Alafaya traffic was a fickle mistress.) or even what movie to go see that weekend. Now my wife decides such things. No need for decisions here!
But then I started in teaching and I started in coaching and I went to bed one night and woke up here. Ten years out of high school and not sure where the time went. I don't know what to say to my old friends about where life has taken me. Just as I'm sure they'll have trouble telling me...because I'll be talking more and it's difficult to get a word in edgewise.
A few short years ago, I was an over qualified salesman working at a Best Buy. Then I was an under-qualified teacher working with kids with disabilities. Now I'm a perfectly qualified Real Estate Agent...I'm a husband. I'm a homeowner. I mean I blinked...like maybe one time.
As an aside--many, many years ago, I was sitting in the backseat of my father's car. Him, my brother and I were going to the grocery store. My mother was pregnant with Erin and we had to pick up something for her. Not sure what, I was nine years old at the time. It's been awhile. My father was tired and it was late, he was keeping the air conditioner at a little past iceberg, but before zero degrees Kelvin--he said it was to keep him awake. I was strewn across the backseat futilely trying to use my shirt as a blanket, stretching it out past my legs and loudly complaining to my father about how cold I was. To say that I regretted my decision to accompany them was an understatement. I was positive I was going to die with a cute icicle mustache and ironic frost goatee. As I lay in that back seat, slowly dying, a thought suddenly blindsided me...one day I too would have a wife. I would have a wife and I would need to go to the bank late at night to cash a check for my job (Nine year old me did not foresee direct deposit, or the internet...) or I would need to go to the grocery store to get her something she wanted or my children needed...and because I was nine years old and far too young to handle the complexities of that concept, I sat paralyzed and freezing the entire way home. What a scary idea! It was gut-wrenching! Me! A dad! A husband! I was nine! I wasn't even in the Majors at my Little League yet...I mean we were still in Coach-Pitch! This was too much.
Fifteen years later and it was still too much. Sure, I had learned how to manage what little money I had. I had learned how to go to the grocery store and ignore the healthy stuff and get Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and feel proud of myself as I cleaned the kitchen. I dated, I had fun, but that same stomach churning fear was still there. Responsibility was coming straight for me, brights on and honking and I was wide eyed and stuck in the middle of the road.
Then I met Amanda and I just...wasn't. They tell me that's how it happens. It's like a switch in our heads--the male mind, one day you want to stay up late drinking with your friends and the next day you want to stay up late drinking with your friends and go home to your beautiful wife. It's a subtle shift.
Now my wife has a lot of more...adult friends. Somehow, through the entire course of my life I've managed to keep the same ten or so friends. I added two new friends right out of high school and one right out of college and I've sort of...plateaued. Now, I've made a lot of really great acquaintances, people who I consider "friends" but they all know the adult me. The guy who showed up for work everyday, the guy who posts on facebook about his wife and going to trivia on Wednesdays. The teacher, the coach or the salesman. But my best friends--they know me as the guy who plays World of Warcraft and talks about writing novels (a new novel idea each week, of course...) They know me as the guy who used to get them into movies and whose mom was a bit too scary to make fun of--she's always listening. And--not to belittle those friends, my closest friends...but only one of them is married, and while yes, he does have five children, it's easy to ignore him as an outlier, the exception to the Childless-Friend-of-Dave Rule.
Not so with my wife's friends. No siree, Bob. Her friends are all married and have been since college. Her friends are all having children. All of them. Like on rotation--like it's a damn job. Like they planned it and my wife is next.
Naturally they all have baby showers, as is custom. (We have one tomorrow in Jacksonville.) And as is custom my wife goes to Babies and Stuff (she's on her way there now) or wherever it is women go when baby shower invites go out and she proceeds to purchase baby products and says things like, "We'll need that when we have children." Or "Oh, we're definitely going to have ours off the boob by a year, ha ha!" "White noise machines are integral to getting your children to be able to sleep easily the rest of their lives!"
Of course she ignores my stricken looks and confused faces. I mean, how does she even know all this stuff? Why is she even thinking about it. In my head you just kind of live life until you're pregnant then you figure it out from there. Not my wife...no. She is prepared. Like...she could teach a class on how to prepare for preparing to be a mom. We could call it Pre-Pregnancy Motherhood and How to be Ready for Pregnancy, Motherhood, Pregnant Friends, and the "You should be a Mother Already Pressure" of Mothers, Mothers-in-Law and Grandmother 101. We'd have to shorten the name to fit it into the course catalog.
So I've been informed that my wife most likely (definitely) has Baby Fever. By "been informed" I really mean "been informed by my wife and every woman who talks to me or my wife up to and including people who don't know me that well through facebook." I've always heard jokes about Biological Clocks and been told by men with sorrow in their eyes to keep your bright, young, pretty wife away from jaded old mothers because misery loves company and women will convince other women to join them in their suffering and ha ha what a laugh!
Then it happened! Much like my High School Reunion being tonight sneaking up on me, so too has this. Yesterday I was on a couch with a girl I barely knew watching a Knight's Tale thinking about how kick-ass it was that a chick liked this super sweet movie and mourning over the recent death of my darling Heath Ledger, and then "blink." I'm a married man sitting in front of a computer thinking about cashing checks and selling houses and going to the grocery store in a needlessly freezing car just to try and stay awake.
But then I started in teaching and I started in coaching and I went to bed one night and woke up here. Ten years out of high school and not sure where the time went. I don't know what to say to my old friends about where life has taken me. Just as I'm sure they'll have trouble telling me...because I'll be talking more and it's difficult to get a word in edgewise.
A few short years ago, I was an over qualified salesman working at a Best Buy. Then I was an under-qualified teacher working with kids with disabilities. Now I'm a perfectly qualified Real Estate Agent...I'm a husband. I'm a homeowner. I mean I blinked...like maybe one time.
As an aside--many, many years ago, I was sitting in the backseat of my father's car. Him, my brother and I were going to the grocery store. My mother was pregnant with Erin and we had to pick up something for her. Not sure what, I was nine years old at the time. It's been awhile. My father was tired and it was late, he was keeping the air conditioner at a little past iceberg, but before zero degrees Kelvin--he said it was to keep him awake. I was strewn across the backseat futilely trying to use my shirt as a blanket, stretching it out past my legs and loudly complaining to my father about how cold I was. To say that I regretted my decision to accompany them was an understatement. I was positive I was going to die with a cute icicle mustache and ironic frost goatee. As I lay in that back seat, slowly dying, a thought suddenly blindsided me...one day I too would have a wife. I would have a wife and I would need to go to the bank late at night to cash a check for my job (Nine year old me did not foresee direct deposit, or the internet...) or I would need to go to the grocery store to get her something she wanted or my children needed...and because I was nine years old and far too young to handle the complexities of that concept, I sat paralyzed and freezing the entire way home. What a scary idea! It was gut-wrenching! Me! A dad! A husband! I was nine! I wasn't even in the Majors at my Little League yet...I mean we were still in Coach-Pitch! This was too much.
Fifteen years later and it was still too much. Sure, I had learned how to manage what little money I had. I had learned how to go to the grocery store and ignore the healthy stuff and get Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and feel proud of myself as I cleaned the kitchen. I dated, I had fun, but that same stomach churning fear was still there. Responsibility was coming straight for me, brights on and honking and I was wide eyed and stuck in the middle of the road.
Then I met Amanda and I just...wasn't. They tell me that's how it happens. It's like a switch in our heads--the male mind, one day you want to stay up late drinking with your friends and the next day you want to stay up late drinking with your friends and go home to your beautiful wife. It's a subtle shift.
Now my wife has a lot of more...adult friends. Somehow, through the entire course of my life I've managed to keep the same ten or so friends. I added two new friends right out of high school and one right out of college and I've sort of...plateaued. Now, I've made a lot of really great acquaintances, people who I consider "friends" but they all know the adult me. The guy who showed up for work everyday, the guy who posts on facebook about his wife and going to trivia on Wednesdays. The teacher, the coach or the salesman. But my best friends--they know me as the guy who plays World of Warcraft and talks about writing novels (a new novel idea each week, of course...) They know me as the guy who used to get them into movies and whose mom was a bit too scary to make fun of--she's always listening. And--not to belittle those friends, my closest friends...but only one of them is married, and while yes, he does have five children, it's easy to ignore him as an outlier, the exception to the Childless-Friend-of-Dave Rule.
Not so with my wife's friends. No siree, Bob. Her friends are all married and have been since college. Her friends are all having children. All of them. Like on rotation--like it's a damn job. Like they planned it and my wife is next.
Naturally they all have baby showers, as is custom. (We have one tomorrow in Jacksonville.) And as is custom my wife goes to Babies and Stuff (she's on her way there now) or wherever it is women go when baby shower invites go out and she proceeds to purchase baby products and says things like, "We'll need that when we have children." Or "Oh, we're definitely going to have ours off the boob by a year, ha ha!" "White noise machines are integral to getting your children to be able to sleep easily the rest of their lives!"
Of course she ignores my stricken looks and confused faces. I mean, how does she even know all this stuff? Why is she even thinking about it. In my head you just kind of live life until you're pregnant then you figure it out from there. Not my wife...no. She is prepared. Like...she could teach a class on how to prepare for preparing to be a mom. We could call it Pre-Pregnancy Motherhood and How to be Ready for Pregnancy, Motherhood, Pregnant Friends, and the "You should be a Mother Already Pressure" of Mothers, Mothers-in-Law and Grandmother 101. We'd have to shorten the name to fit it into the course catalog.
So I've been informed that my wife most likely (definitely) has Baby Fever. By "been informed" I really mean "been informed by my wife and every woman who talks to me or my wife up to and including people who don't know me that well through facebook." I've always heard jokes about Biological Clocks and been told by men with sorrow in their eyes to keep your bright, young, pretty wife away from jaded old mothers because misery loves company and women will convince other women to join them in their suffering and ha ha what a laugh!
Then it happened! Much like my High School Reunion being tonight sneaking up on me, so too has this. Yesterday I was on a couch with a girl I barely knew watching a Knight's Tale thinking about how kick-ass it was that a chick liked this super sweet movie and mourning over the recent death of my darling Heath Ledger, and then "blink." I'm a married man sitting in front of a computer thinking about cashing checks and selling houses and going to the grocery store in a needlessly freezing car just to try and stay awake.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Dr. Seuss and his 500 Hats
Theodor Geisel. The man himself. Dr. Freakin' Seuss.
Today I spent some time trolling around the various news websites looking for something funny to talk about. At first, I found comedic hope in a man suing Outback Steakhouse over mashed potatoes. But that article became sad and scary when I read further. The dude actually needs to be suing them for about three times what he is. Outback had let broken chunks of ceramic plates fall into the mashed potatoes--and then instead of making a new batch, just went ahead and served the rockier version.
Onward and onward I searched. Turbulent times in Kiev, American Olympian Women get some sweet new bling, Russia lookin' in on Ukraine and dreaming sweet dreams about pipelines. Nothing immediately hilarious, nothing to make light of.
But, like my Father once told me, "When the news is mainly good news, that's when I'll start to worry." With that wisdom in mind, I was undeterred in my search of the funny and lighthearted.
And then?
Hats. Hats and whimsy.
Audrey & Ted Geisel courtesy of the Dr. Seuss Estate
Dr. Seuss apparently collected hats, and like my grandmother and her many collections, hid them all away on his estate in some mysterious, presumably dark, closet--only to eventually be discovered by his grieving relatives. He also collected paintings, but that's less fun.
Editors note: My grandmother is alive, I'm just positing an educated guess on the future of my grandmothers home.
75 years ago Dr. Seuss wrote The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins, and in honor of that, his (I'm thinking awesome) hat collection is going on tour.
It's hard not to laugh when you think about Dr. Seuss actually owning a hat collection. Now that I know he actually did--it's impossible for me to think of him not having one. Dr. Seuss without a hat stash would be like Barry Bonds not having a baseball room, or Michael Phelps not having a medal case. I also imagine Seuss having a really odd garden somewhere, and drinking tea with animals and communing with nature, but not in a cultish, druidic way, but like, just talking, you know, man to tree.
I tend to imagine Dr. Seuss as a reverse to all of the themes that they teach in English Criticism and Literary Theory courses to students who will spend the next ten years looking for jobs and eventually going back to school for something else: Man vs. Nature becomes Man with Nature. Man vs. Machine becomes Beware the Machine, but heck, Man with Machine. Man vs. Himself becomes Man finds Himself, but Himself is actually a person-like-thing dressed like Beetlejuice and the book is probably a pretty good read.
I don't find Dr. Seuss to be a source humor in the classic way. I've never laughed at Dr. Seuss. Even our favorite comedians typically poke fun at themselves, it alleviates some of the tension when they make fun of others and things for a living. Dr. Seuss had a way of writing that helped us think, helped us learn for ourselves. Did we laugh? Of course. But one laughs with Dr. Seuss.
Now I'm sure the man himself was not perfect. But his work was. Imagine a world without the Lorax, Horton or the Cat in the Hat. Imagine a world where leaves are only green and the Grinch never stole Christmas. It's hard to think about my childhood and not see and hear Dr. Seuss' influence.
Editors note; Sadly, we already missed the Florida dates of the Seuss hat-show (they were in Tampa back in January.)
So, instead of that sad news, I'll leave you with this great piece from Buzzfeed.
If Dr. Seuss Titles were Named According to their Subtexts.
Today I spent some time trolling around the various news websites looking for something funny to talk about. At first, I found comedic hope in a man suing Outback Steakhouse over mashed potatoes. But that article became sad and scary when I read further. The dude actually needs to be suing them for about three times what he is. Outback had let broken chunks of ceramic plates fall into the mashed potatoes--and then instead of making a new batch, just went ahead and served the rockier version.
Onward and onward I searched. Turbulent times in Kiev, American Olympian Women get some sweet new bling, Russia lookin' in on Ukraine and dreaming sweet dreams about pipelines. Nothing immediately hilarious, nothing to make light of.
But, like my Father once told me, "When the news is mainly good news, that's when I'll start to worry." With that wisdom in mind, I was undeterred in my search of the funny and lighthearted.
And then?
Hats. Hats and whimsy.
Dr. Seuss apparently collected hats, and like my grandmother and her many collections, hid them all away on his estate in some mysterious, presumably dark, closet--only to eventually be discovered by his grieving relatives. He also collected paintings, but that's less fun.
Editors note: My grandmother is alive, I'm just positing an educated guess on the future of my grandmothers home.
75 years ago Dr. Seuss wrote The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins, and in honor of that, his (I'm thinking awesome) hat collection is going on tour.
It's hard not to laugh when you think about Dr. Seuss actually owning a hat collection. Now that I know he actually did--it's impossible for me to think of him not having one. Dr. Seuss without a hat stash would be like Barry Bonds not having a baseball room, or Michael Phelps not having a medal case. I also imagine Seuss having a really odd garden somewhere, and drinking tea with animals and communing with nature, but not in a cultish, druidic way, but like, just talking, you know, man to tree.
I tend to imagine Dr. Seuss as a reverse to all of the themes that they teach in English Criticism and Literary Theory courses to students who will spend the next ten years looking for jobs and eventually going back to school for something else: Man vs. Nature becomes Man with Nature. Man vs. Machine becomes Beware the Machine, but heck, Man with Machine. Man vs. Himself becomes Man finds Himself, but Himself is actually a person-like-thing dressed like Beetlejuice and the book is probably a pretty good read.
I don't find Dr. Seuss to be a source humor in the classic way. I've never laughed at Dr. Seuss. Even our favorite comedians typically poke fun at themselves, it alleviates some of the tension when they make fun of others and things for a living. Dr. Seuss had a way of writing that helped us think, helped us learn for ourselves. Did we laugh? Of course. But one laughs with Dr. Seuss.
Now I'm sure the man himself was not perfect. But his work was. Imagine a world without the Lorax, Horton or the Cat in the Hat. Imagine a world where leaves are only green and the Grinch never stole Christmas. It's hard to think about my childhood and not see and hear Dr. Seuss' influence.
Editors note; Sadly, we already missed the Florida dates of the Seuss hat-show (they were in Tampa back in January.)
So, instead of that sad news, I'll leave you with this great piece from Buzzfeed.
If Dr. Seuss Titles were Named According to their Subtexts.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Inception: American Chinese food in China
Some American expatriates living in China have decided, wisely, that they miss...you guessed it...Chinese food. So these General Tsu's Chicken-loving entrepreneurs decided to bring a bit of good ol' fashion home take-out ordering back with them to China. Even though it came from China in the first place. Then changed. Then eventually found its way back home. Like a bird who flew South for the winter, but then stayed too long, went native, and finally realized it missed it's mommy.
It's one of those things that you probably don't think about when you move to a new country. But if you're living in a country that has a food that Americans have reinvented almost entirely and yet still labeled as authentic international food--chances are you aren't going to get what you're used to.
Chinese food has been around in America for decades--over half of a century. It has become an intrinsic part of our culture, and yet really, most of the food that we label as Chinese is much closer to fried chicken and sauces that more closely resemble our barbeque flavors than the authentic Chinese cuisine they are often claimed to be.
The crazy thing about this is...it should work. China is becoming a business capitol of the World and quickly. The reality is that Americans and other 'Westerners' will be living in China more and more as more American and 'Western' companies need to have offices in the country. I'd expect a lot of faux-international American cuisine-serving restaurants to show up over the next few years.
This issue isn't new to Americans--even Everybody Loves Raymond tackled it when Ray and Company went to Italy. It was a watershed moment for Ray, he ate Italian Pizza, which was like eating Pizza for the first time every, so he said. And it probably was. American Pizza is not Italian Pizza, not even in the ballpark. And most of us know that. As a foodie-culture, we are relatively aware that we take international food and twist it to fit out palates, which most Americans will admit, aren't exactly...classy. We like fast, fatty foods and a good portion of my generation actively hate cooking.
I don't think many Americans will be arguing, anytime soon, about the needs of our culture to get healthier, eat better and cook at home more. However, for those of us living in countries-not-our-own, this is a win. A taste of home in a faraway place.
I do, however, wonder what the average Chinese citizen thinks when walking by the window with the shining neon-light that reads "Chinese food."
It's one of those things that you probably don't think about when you move to a new country. But if you're living in a country that has a food that Americans have reinvented almost entirely and yet still labeled as authentic international food--chances are you aren't going to get what you're used to.
Chinese food has been around in America for decades--over half of a century. It has become an intrinsic part of our culture, and yet really, most of the food that we label as Chinese is much closer to fried chicken and sauces that more closely resemble our barbeque flavors than the authentic Chinese cuisine they are often claimed to be.
The crazy thing about this is...it should work. China is becoming a business capitol of the World and quickly. The reality is that Americans and other 'Westerners' will be living in China more and more as more American and 'Western' companies need to have offices in the country. I'd expect a lot of faux-international American cuisine-serving restaurants to show up over the next few years.
This issue isn't new to Americans--even Everybody Loves Raymond tackled it when Ray and Company went to Italy. It was a watershed moment for Ray, he ate Italian Pizza, which was like eating Pizza for the first time every, so he said. And it probably was. American Pizza is not Italian Pizza, not even in the ballpark. And most of us know that. As a foodie-culture, we are relatively aware that we take international food and twist it to fit out palates, which most Americans will admit, aren't exactly...classy. We like fast, fatty foods and a good portion of my generation actively hate cooking.
I don't think many Americans will be arguing, anytime soon, about the needs of our culture to get healthier, eat better and cook at home more. However, for those of us living in countries-not-our-own, this is a win. A taste of home in a faraway place.
I do, however, wonder what the average Chinese citizen thinks when walking by the window with the shining neon-light that reads "Chinese food."
Photo taken from Frank Langfitt/NPR. (I'll totally take it down if they ask. They don't even have to do so nicely.)
Monday, February 10, 2014
10 Reasons Why Michael Sam Coming Out Gay Shouldn't Be a Big Deal
1. He's pretty damn good.
The kid made SEC Defensive Player of the Year honors. Something that has garnered a First Round pick in the NFL Draft the past seven years running.
2. He's going to be Rich.
All of you, presumably not rich people, who hate that Michael Sam is going to be an NFL player--as these eight NFL insiders supposedly do, need to remember one important thing: If he gets drafted, he's going to be rich. He won't give a shit what you think.
3. He probably ain't the first.
According to various population demographics I've just looked up, the gay population is actually pretty high. Michael Sam is probably not the first gay guy in the NFL. He's just the first guy to tell everyone that he's gay heading into it. Is it the wisest thing to do? Probably not, considering that "MichaelSamisafaggot" is trending on twitter right now, I'm inclined to believe he's going to have it difficult--at least until people forget, which they will. Because people are dumb--Agent K taught me that.
4. Money, money, money...
It's pretty good business for the NFL. Having an openly gay player is a great way to make inroads into a segment of viewers that they've never made significant headway with before. If you think they don't want the extra viewers, then you've never been a multi-billion dollar industry before.
5. Pro locker rooms are already weird.
This is coming from someone whose spent a lot of time in locker rooms...it's already intensely weird that everyone is naked in college and pro locker rooms--and everyone flirts. I don't know if pretending to be gay or being fake gay is a thing, but...it's a thing. We've seen it on TV shows before...with 'bros' as the central characters. "Gay chicken." I'll leave it at that. Locker rooms are weird places--I find it difficult to believe that an actual homosexual would make it in anyway weirder. Would a hetero-sexual male do that with every girl he saw? Not if he wanted to get a girlfriend ever...or stay out of jail.
6. His teammates probably aren't too worried.
Is anyone really worried about him hitting on his teammates? Has anyone seen a football player before? This guy is going to have money. His men are going to be GQ models.
7. He's going to know all the hottest girls.
Going with in the vain vein of number 5. Gay guys know all the best girls. His teammates will probably have to sign in on some kind of list to hang out with him. He can just post it on his locker. "I'll be at such and such at 10 PM tonight, Beyonce and her back up dancers will be in attendance--only accepting 10, the ladies love defensive players and beards. Must wear suit and tie."
8. A bunch of college kids supported him, grown-ups can too.
Michael Sam has been pretty open about this, and according to him--he came out last August, before the season was fully underway. It apparently didn't hurt the team, as they got all the way to the SEC Title Game before losing to the National Runner-Up Auburn Tigers--and then winning their Cotton Bowl struggle vs. the dominant defense of the Oklahoma State Cowboys, 41-31.
9. Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito agree about this.
This particular drama cycle needs its very own post. I came back to writing the blog just after the Incognito/Martin circus arrived and then eventually packed up its tents and left town. I'll eventually write a post about this or submit an article to Yahoo Sports. But suffice it to say, if the supposed bully-ee and the bully-himself don't care about the kid being gay, then the average dude in the NFL probably won't either. (I keep saying "probably" so as to leave room for all the stupid that may happen.)
10. The NFL needs this to go well.
The NFL has had a rough year. The Hernandez murder(s). The allegations of an NFL team asking a player about his sexual orientation--a highly illegal practice...the bullying claims from Jonathan Martin and subsequent defense of Richie Incognito by his Dolphin teammates (which, one way or another is going to lead to changes in the NFL player-culture.) Essentially, the NFL can't be seen to handle this issue poorly. It's just another PR nightmare waiting in the wings.
The kid made SEC Defensive Player of the Year honors. Something that has garnered a First Round pick in the NFL Draft the past seven years running.
2. He's going to be Rich.
All of you, presumably not rich people, who hate that Michael Sam is going to be an NFL player--as these eight NFL insiders supposedly do, need to remember one important thing: If he gets drafted, he's going to be rich. He won't give a shit what you think.
3. He probably ain't the first.
According to various population demographics I've just looked up, the gay population is actually pretty high. Michael Sam is probably not the first gay guy in the NFL. He's just the first guy to tell everyone that he's gay heading into it. Is it the wisest thing to do? Probably not, considering that "MichaelSamisafaggot" is trending on twitter right now, I'm inclined to believe he's going to have it difficult--at least until people forget, which they will. Because people are dumb--Agent K taught me that.
4. Money, money, money...
It's pretty good business for the NFL. Having an openly gay player is a great way to make inroads into a segment of viewers that they've never made significant headway with before. If you think they don't want the extra viewers, then you've never been a multi-billion dollar industry before.
5. Pro locker rooms are already weird.
This is coming from someone whose spent a lot of time in locker rooms...it's already intensely weird that everyone is naked in college and pro locker rooms--and everyone flirts. I don't know if pretending to be gay or being fake gay is a thing, but...it's a thing. We've seen it on TV shows before...with 'bros' as the central characters. "Gay chicken." I'll leave it at that. Locker rooms are weird places--I find it difficult to believe that an actual homosexual would make it in anyway weirder. Would a hetero-sexual male do that with every girl he saw? Not if he wanted to get a girlfriend ever...or stay out of jail.
6. His teammates probably aren't too worried.
Is anyone really worried about him hitting on his teammates? Has anyone seen a football player before? This guy is going to have money. His men are going to be GQ models.
7. He's going to know all the hottest girls.
Going with in the vain vein of number 5. Gay guys know all the best girls. His teammates will probably have to sign in on some kind of list to hang out with him. He can just post it on his locker. "I'll be at such and such at 10 PM tonight, Beyonce and her back up dancers will be in attendance--only accepting 10, the ladies love defensive players and beards. Must wear suit and tie."
8. A bunch of college kids supported him, grown-ups can too.
Michael Sam has been pretty open about this, and according to him--he came out last August, before the season was fully underway. It apparently didn't hurt the team, as they got all the way to the SEC Title Game before losing to the National Runner-Up Auburn Tigers--and then winning their Cotton Bowl struggle vs. the dominant defense of the Oklahoma State Cowboys, 41-31.
9. Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito agree about this.
This particular drama cycle needs its very own post. I came back to writing the blog just after the Incognito/Martin circus arrived and then eventually packed up its tents and left town. I'll eventually write a post about this or submit an article to Yahoo Sports. But suffice it to say, if the supposed bully-ee and the bully-himself don't care about the kid being gay, then the average dude in the NFL probably won't either. (I keep saying "probably" so as to leave room for all the stupid that may happen.)
10. The NFL needs this to go well.
The NFL has had a rough year. The Hernandez murder(s). The allegations of an NFL team asking a player about his sexual orientation--a highly illegal practice...the bullying claims from Jonathan Martin and subsequent defense of Richie Incognito by his Dolphin teammates (which, one way or another is going to lead to changes in the NFL player-culture.) Essentially, the NFL can't be seen to handle this issue poorly. It's just another PR nightmare waiting in the wings.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Cat Cafes -- My Greatest Fear, Realized
Yes! Finally. The time for my personal Duality of Man crisis moment has come.
My greatest enemy and my greatest love (sorry Honey) have finally been combined into one, amorphous, terrible and yet beautiful business-related-blob.
This is a cat. He's probably annoyed about something you're doing.
This is a cup of coffee. It's probably delicious.
This is a small cat, sometimes known as a kitten, in a coffee cup. It's probably plotting your death.
That's right, beloved readers. There are Cat Cafe's, and they're coming to America. No word yet on the Eddie Murphy connection. The article states, "The cafes will be located in San Francisco and Oakland, Calif., and will be named KitTea and Cat Town Cafe. Both of the cat-themed restaurants are looking at a 2014 opening."
As you may know, I am deathly allergic to cats. It doesn't take me long to realize I've entered a cat infested house. The itching feeling, the watering and swelling of my eyes, the disturbance in the Force that tells me my death is near--all sure signs that someone has made the mistake of not adopting a dog.
You can probably see why the news of cat-toting cafes is disheartening for me. I already have to deal with cigarettes, constant agitators of my bi-annual struggles with bronchitis, at most cafes I regularly attend. That is to say Starbucks (pick it up entrepreneurs.) I don't know if I could handle this phenomena spreading to Orlando.
Of course, Korea is experimenting with Puppy Cafes. Which is probably worse news. I pose to you this question: How many times can a husband come home with a new puppy before he's just a single man hoarding dogs?
My greatest enemy and my greatest love (sorry Honey) have finally been combined into one, amorphous, terrible and yet beautiful business-related-blob.
This is a cat. He's probably annoyed about something you're doing.
This is a cup of coffee. It's probably delicious.
This is a small cat, sometimes known as a kitten, in a coffee cup. It's probably plotting your death.
That's right, beloved readers. There are Cat Cafe's, and they're coming to America. No word yet on the Eddie Murphy connection. The article states, "The cafes will be located in San Francisco and Oakland, Calif., and will be named KitTea and Cat Town Cafe. Both of the cat-themed restaurants are looking at a 2014 opening."
As you may know, I am deathly allergic to cats. It doesn't take me long to realize I've entered a cat infested house. The itching feeling, the watering and swelling of my eyes, the disturbance in the Force that tells me my death is near--all sure signs that someone has made the mistake of not adopting a dog.
You can probably see why the news of cat-toting cafes is disheartening for me. I already have to deal with cigarettes, constant agitators of my bi-annual struggles with bronchitis, at most cafes I regularly attend. That is to say Starbucks (pick it up entrepreneurs.) I don't know if I could handle this phenomena spreading to Orlando.
Of course, Korea is experimenting with Puppy Cafes. Which is probably worse news. I pose to you this question: How many times can a husband come home with a new puppy before he's just a single man hoarding dogs?
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
5 Taboos of Public of Internet Use
1. Porn
I've actually seen someone do this in public before. It didn't end well for him. I've only ever seen one person physically thrown out of a bookstore before, and that man, sadly, was pitching a not-so-subtle tent and hurriedly folding his laptop into his case.
Internet Porn is one of the few sexual taboos that no one really cares about anymore. There are songs dedicated to it, it comes up in conversation. In my younger, unmarried days, on a first date with a girl I never dated again, I was asked whom my favorite porn star was. I answered her. If you were betting on her not being my wife now, you'd be betting with the odds.
2. Openly Facebook Stalking People
It's funny when someone says it out loud. Someone knows just a little too much about you for your first time out, and you ask something like "Did I tell you that?"
And s/he says "Nah, I just stalk you on facebook."
Oh the laughs we've all had. Social Media you creepiness-inspiring bi-product of Gore and the 90's.
To me even opening up facebook, or any other social media site, at a cafe or public place seems weird. Facebook, to some degree, is what people use to let each other in on the private going-ons of their lives. It's Modern Society's way of saying "I want to know you better."
But for the dude two tables over to look at my screen and then turn and whisper to me "Bro, she's hot." And then consider that alright is most assuredly not alright.
3. The Portable Office
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against paying off a quick credit card, or checking a bank account. A few days ago I even went over a benefits package. That's fine. Laptops were made for people to be able to work freely. Hence the term "portable workstation." I'm all about getting out of the office to clear my head. I too love coffee.
But, presumably, you're getting out of the office for a reason. Bringing your desktop, monitor and a portable printer--along with enough paper work to make a Public School teacher flinch is a bit counter-intuitive. Seems like you could have just stayed in the office and saved yourself the hassle. I'm pretty sure it has a coffee pot. Or a Keurig--so good.
4. Play Video Games
Everyone's seen it. And the thing is, most of us play video games in one form another--Candy Crushers: you know who you are. Occasionally we even play the video game we see someone playing. That does not make it acceptable. Playing World of Warcraft in a cafe, with a headset on, and other people present, is a lot like saying "I don't ever want to have sex." Or maybe even "Friends are for other people."
Or ultimately "F*ck you and your books, bookstore. I'm here for the coffee and the internet." Which is probably why Borders went out of business and Barnes & Noble is doomed.
5. Watching YouTube Videos on Full Blast
Try watching Epic Meal Time without laughing or vomiting. The Whitest Kids U' Know have a skit about Abraham Lincoln that makes it functionally impossible for you to not curse out loud right along with them.
I know that in the moment, the most important thing in the entire universe is that your friend hear and see these things right freaking now. But it's also important to remember where you are. Sitting at a cafe, where people are utilizing their eyes for reading and their ears for not knowing you exist.
Feel free to add to the list in the comments section.
I've actually seen someone do this in public before. It didn't end well for him. I've only ever seen one person physically thrown out of a bookstore before, and that man, sadly, was pitching a not-so-subtle tent and hurriedly folding his laptop into his case.
Internet Porn is one of the few sexual taboos that no one really cares about anymore. There are songs dedicated to it, it comes up in conversation. In my younger, unmarried days, on a first date with a girl I never dated again, I was asked whom my favorite porn star was. I answered her. If you were betting on her not being my wife now, you'd be betting with the odds.
2. Openly Facebook Stalking People
It's funny when someone says it out loud. Someone knows just a little too much about you for your first time out, and you ask something like "Did I tell you that?"
And s/he says "Nah, I just stalk you on facebook."
Oh the laughs we've all had. Social Media you creepiness-inspiring bi-product of Gore and the 90's.
To me even opening up facebook, or any other social media site, at a cafe or public place seems weird. Facebook, to some degree, is what people use to let each other in on the private going-ons of their lives. It's Modern Society's way of saying "I want to know you better."
But for the dude two tables over to look at my screen and then turn and whisper to me "Bro, she's hot." And then consider that alright is most assuredly not alright.
3. The Portable Office
Don't get me wrong. I'm not against paying off a quick credit card, or checking a bank account. A few days ago I even went over a benefits package. That's fine. Laptops were made for people to be able to work freely. Hence the term "portable workstation." I'm all about getting out of the office to clear my head. I too love coffee.
But, presumably, you're getting out of the office for a reason. Bringing your desktop, monitor and a portable printer--along with enough paper work to make a Public School teacher flinch is a bit counter-intuitive. Seems like you could have just stayed in the office and saved yourself the hassle. I'm pretty sure it has a coffee pot. Or a Keurig--so good.
4. Play Video Games
Everyone's seen it. And the thing is, most of us play video games in one form another--Candy Crushers: you know who you are. Occasionally we even play the video game we see someone playing. That does not make it acceptable. Playing World of Warcraft in a cafe, with a headset on, and other people present, is a lot like saying "I don't ever want to have sex." Or maybe even "Friends are for other people."
Or ultimately "F*ck you and your books, bookstore. I'm here for the coffee and the internet." Which is probably why Borders went out of business and Barnes & Noble is doomed.
5. Watching YouTube Videos on Full Blast
Try watching Epic Meal Time without laughing or vomiting. The Whitest Kids U' Know have a skit about Abraham Lincoln that makes it functionally impossible for you to not curse out loud right along with them.
I know that in the moment, the most important thing in the entire universe is that your friend hear and see these things right freaking now. But it's also important to remember where you are. Sitting at a cafe, where people are utilizing their eyes for reading and their ears for not knowing you exist.
Feel free to add to the list in the comments section.
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