5 Taboos of Public of Internet Use

1. Porn
I've actually seen someone do this in public before. It didn't end well for him. I've only ever seen one person physically thrown out of a bookstore before, and that man, sadly, was pitching a not-so-subtle tent and hurriedly folding his laptop into his case.

Internet Porn is one of the few sexual taboos that no one really cares about anymore. There are songs dedicated to it, it comes up in conversation. In my younger, unmarried days, on a first date with a girl  I never dated again, I was asked whom my favorite porn star was. I answered her. If you were betting on her not being my wife now, you'd be betting with the odds.

2. Openly Facebook Stalking People

It's funny when someone says it out loud. Someone knows just a little too much about you for your first time out, and you ask something like "Did I tell you that?"
And s/he says "Nah, I just stalk you on facebook."

Oh the laughs we've all had. Social Media you creepiness-inspiring bi-product of Gore and the 90's.

To me even opening up facebook, or any other social media site, at a cafe or public place seems weird. Facebook, to some degree, is what people use to let each other in on the private going-ons of their lives. It's Modern Society's way of saying "I want to know you better."

But for the dude two tables over to look at my screen and then turn and whisper to me "Bro, she's hot." And then consider that alright is most assuredly not alright.

3. The Portable Office

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against paying off a quick credit card, or checking a bank account. A few days ago I even went over a benefits package. That's fine. Laptops were made for people to be able to work freely. Hence the term "portable workstation." I'm all about getting out of the office to clear my head. I too love coffee.

But, presumably, you're getting out of the office for a reason. Bringing your desktop, monitor and a portable printer--along with enough paper work to make a Public School teacher flinch is a bit counter-intuitive. Seems like you could have just stayed in the office and saved yourself the hassle. I'm pretty sure it has a coffee pot. Or a Keurig--so good.

4. Play Video Games

Everyone's seen it. And the thing is, most of us play video games in one form another--Candy Crushers: you know who you are. Occasionally we even play the video game we see someone playing. That does not make it acceptable. Playing World of Warcraft in a cafe, with a headset on, and other people present, is a lot like saying "I don't ever want to have sex." Or maybe even "Friends are for other people."

Or ultimately "F*ck you and your books, bookstore. I'm here for the coffee and the internet." Which is probably why Borders went out of business and Barnes & Noble is doomed.


5. Watching YouTube Videos on Full Blast

Try watching Epic Meal Time without laughing or vomiting. The Whitest Kids U' Know have a skit about Abraham Lincoln that makes it functionally impossible for you to not curse out loud right along with them.

I know that in the moment, the most important thing in the entire universe is that your friend hear and see these things right freaking now. But it's also important to remember where you are. Sitting at a cafe, where people are utilizing their eyes for reading and their ears for not knowing you exist.

Feel free to add to the list in the comments section.