I Want to Not Burn Things Too!

I am going to make an important announcement.

Are you ready?

Are you overwhelmed with excitement?

Well here it is: tonight, I will use my grill. And I won't be burning Qurans.

Now where is my free car? (A 2011 Hyundai Accent, to be precise.)

This might seem like an awkward line of thinking, one colluded with an overbearing amount of Capitalism and misplaced charity, but it's an actual story. If you read the news, ever, or even just stop in to peek at my blog, you're probably aware of the story of the Rev. Terry Jones, Gainseville's friendly neighborhood Grill Master (sacred texts a specialty.) He had threatened to practice his culinary art on the Quran about a month back, and has since (famously) backed off.

A lot of people stood up and complained (before sitting back down and flicking over to NFL preseason) about the planned burnings, but only one man (company) decided to stand up and give him things to back off. Brad Benson Hyundai of New Brunswick, New Jersey reportedly offered the Reverend a brand-spanking-new Hyundai Accent if the Reverend would simply not burn the Qurans.

This whole concept is a bit hazy for me. I'm trying to follow it. Here's what I have so far: Terrorist attack in 2001. Nine years later a massive protest breaks out against some Americans of Islamic faith who want to build (expand an already existing) cultural center that happens to be close to Ground Zero (although similar protests arose against a center being built in Tennessee so apparently being close to Ground Zero can be accurately defined as "being on the same continent as.")In response to this onslaught of Islamic (in the words of Newt Gingrich) "stealth jihadism" a Reverend in Gainseville decides the best defense against this new threat is a good offense, or the burning a bunch of books. At this point I'm not really agreeing with anything, but I can almost follow the logic, twisted and dark as it is. Here's where I lose my train of thought: despite repeated pleas from the White House, Congress, local college students, three legged alligators and General Petraeus, Rev. Jones was strongly considering moving on with his debilitating attack on ancient literature. Then, in comes my personal hero Hyundai and solves the whole thing with the oldest trick known to man. Bartering. (And free things.)

I don't want anyone (even me) to place undue criticism on the Rev. Jones, he (or his secretary) has said that he will be giving the car to a Muslim charity. The man not only possesses and excess of moral fiber, but a mustache that would make Wyatt Earp blush and bandits fear.

In closing, I would just like to extend this offer to Brad Benson Hyundai, or any other dealer of things, I will not burn whatever it is you want me to not burn in a very public manner, for a measly compensation of at least $13,600 (the going price of a Hyundai Accent.)