300-pound Chimp escapes, but don't worry, I'm OK.

Headline reads: 300-POUND CHIMP RUNS AMOK IN KANSAS CITY.

My mother, presumably reading from work while she enjoys a decaf coffee, probably of the pumpkin spice variety, spits her fall specialty brew out all over her computer screen, maybe hitting her boss whose standing behind it, watching her every move.

"Dang it, Sandy!" he says, using a report to wipe off his newly re-stained tie, "this tie already had its stains right where I liked them! What was that for?"

My mother, recovering responds, "My son is loose in Kansas City! I have to get there right away!"

A few text messages and gentle reassurances later, I manage to convince her that they were serious, it was a real 300-pound chimpanzee running around, not I. I have an alibi, I was getting the flu shot, or as I like to call it, my annual reminder that I am not cut out for tattoos (it still kind of stings, but I'm ignoring it, I want to appear manly, and I chose to wear a Ghost Buster's shirt today, I can't do that and whine about a shot.)

Earlier in my posting days, you might remember that I wrote a very long, and very jumpy article that at one point hinted at alligators being owned as house hold pets. We Floridians understand the inherent danger in owning a dinosaur as a pet, and so generally, we refrain (excepting for those guys who make the utterly terrible Gatorland commercials, they probably own a few.)

However, what self-respecting child has ever not wanted to own a monkey? That's right. This chimp was "owned" and the neighborhood dwellers who were privy to it's "rampage" were, if not acquainted with, then at least familiar with the animal. I think the problem was the owners misunderstanding of the term "monkey."

Yes. Owning a monkey would be cool. Aside from the odd problem with voice control and bathroom habits, there is a high percentage chance that owning a monkey could be the coolest thing ever. But a chimpanzee is a primate, they are little men. They use tools, argue with each other, and people, they dislike attitude, can out weightlift Arnold and play a mean game of Thumb War. You do not own something like this. If anything you share living space.

When a pet gets past 300-pounds and doesn't live in a barn, the general reaction is fear. As the police officers who had to handle the scene probably would agree with. Police Chief Jim Corwin described it as a "bizarre lunch hour."

After being shot with a tranquilizer dart, officers claimed that Sue (the chimp) climbed into a tree and evaded further shots while hassling them with taunts about their manhood ("you hairless apes can't do better than that?") and throwing their darts back at them, goading them on with their own ineffectiveness.

A pet monkey would never do that. A pet monkey would come out of the tree with nothing but an offer of a banana or a cute pirate hat, to go with it's already awesome monkey sized sword.

Those just goes to show that owning primates is wrong.

Because they get big, and if you try to dress them up like a pirate, they run away and beat up other people's cars.