Internet Table

Day Twenty-Five Without the Internet:

I've eaten the Cat5e cable. It was sinewy and tasted like dried up joy. I haven't seen Epic Meal Time in two weeks. Reading online cartoons seems like a fever dream I had once...years ago.

I can no longer pay my bills without calling and leaving a message, like some relic of a bygone age. I am a technology Neanderthal. I'm using my phone as a phone--watch as the children throw rocks and me and feed on my suffering.

I tried writing--to pass the time, until I remembered that I had thrown my keyboard against a wall earlier, cracking it open like a piggy bank in a classic cartoon. I had hoped the internet would fall out through the shattered keys and broken plastic and I would gather up its fluffy goodness in my arms like so much spilled Styrofoam packing on a long since forgotten Christmas morning.

Sadly, it did not. I still have no internet.

I'm in a local Ice Cream Store, Neighbors, owned by a friend of a friend of a roommate. I'm sitting here, considering squatting long term (in a bid for future ownership,) growling at passerby as they look enviously at my table. The table with the power chord. It is mine and you cannot have it.

This seat is where the Internet is and it is now mine.

I am the uncrowned King of Internet Table. Fear me.